Day 252 I hate you

15 09 2013

Well I did it!  I put on my first Chuck E Cheese birthday party done by myself. My son turned 5 and we had fun with 11 kids, that ridiculous mouse, and about 200 other kids running crazy! Its was a weird feeling because this was the first family function separate.  So now I beat Chuck e cheese 1-0 goes to me.

The weeks I’m without my kids I’m beginning to struggle more. I hate being alone now. I have gone through a lot of soul-searching, researching and changes and feel like I’m ready to date, I then begin to revert back sometimes to my worth. I know it’s not true but I struggle just like every other normal human being. Difference is I let mine be known. I live in a glass house so everything I see you do to. Please don’t tell me that God will provide or one will just come to you. What if I don’t speak, what if I don’t have the courage. Good will keep from a lot of things.  In my own hell I used to live I bet I told myself I hate you Tyler at least 10 times a day. Either it was from, financial mistakes, my marriage, what I wasn’t doing as a parent or just my past. When I’m alone and this just started I heard myself twice say I really hate what you did or didn’t do Tyler. I actually looked up and said what did you just tell yourself. I knew the devil was like hey I never leave and you have always listened. When your by yourself I can get you and you suck at fighting it. Go to God Tyler he doesn’t listen to you anyway or you don’t listen. That was the dialogue I had with myself.

Have you ever heard another person tell someone they hate them. Its abrasive and makes you feel uncomfortable. So why do we tell yourselves these crappy words. This may sound stupid but we re comfortable with that. It’s weird saying Tyler your great, or awesome or you look good. Why do you think I post things on FB. I need people to like or comment in a positive way so I can feel good about myself.  Sure most days are good but the bad are bad.  Life is a process and the devil knows how to take us back. No matter how much work you put in. I hate you or I hate you did that is like a knife to the soul.

I hope that I remember to shut the hate down and I hope this helps you to remember to do the same.

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4 responses

15 09 2013
Basharr

My grandmother always told me to never use the word hate towards a person as it is a very strong and hurtful term. I have at times hated myself.

16 09 2013
coastalmom

I am so proud of you! Chuck E Cheeze is a huge accomplishment! You should be patting your back all over the place! I rarely remember help in those places and I was married so it can be done! Usually the other parents will help out. Someday there will be one mom that doesn’t just drop off her kid! 😉

16 09 2013
tywood12

Reblogged this on My New Life.

17 09 2013
barbarafranken

You are so nice arranging your sons birthday party… IAM sure they loved it… Being alone is not nice, but until you can get yourself out there and get your new girl, you can practise saying ‘i love you’… over and over again… until the title of this blog is cleaned up… Remember our body’s have a consciousness and will get confused with this kind of talk… Have a great tuesday, Barbara

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