Day 241 Burn those memories

5 09 2013

I have a ton of good days but when I have a bad one I do it right. See today!! I even asked for prayers on FB because the world was kicking me in the privates today. I’m not sure why bad memories stick with us better than good memories but wow how they can come back so quickly. I had open house last night with my daughter,  her mom and husband. It’s always a new experience for everyone the changes of divorce and the new spouse etc.. come into the picture.  You  think when you get divorced and when the paper is signed that’s the end. It’s just the beginning.  I know we all have memories that we wish we could erase. I remember so many like they happened today: Burying my Jr. high girlfriend, breaking my leg, the first time I was told I was fat, when they bank came and reposed my mom’s car, when my dad officially became disabled, when I first wanted to commit suicide, when I got dumped in high school, when I transferred from TCU, when I had my abortion,  when I left Puerto Vallarta Mexico, when I lost my best friend when the fights in my marriage got to the point of just being stupid. Last night I sat across my ex and it felt like a total stranger, but then it hit me. This flood of memories came rushing back at me and I could not shake them. I asked God to please take them, I was anxiety filler and worse I had a lot of fear. I had no idea but I wanted to drink and escape for a bit. I hadn’t really felt this way in two years and was really embarrassed that I was back there. No matter how much forgiveness you give no where does it say forget but I wish I could. Its like okay I remembered them learned from them and now take the big chief eraser and get rid of them. I want to burn those memories so bad. You say the meanest things to the people you love and the sad part sorry never fixes it. You hope you at least you get I’m sorry or forgive me but the scars are there and every once in a while the scar tissue tears and it hurts.

There is no lesson or words of wisdom today. I appreciate the people who responded to me today and my friends who just listened last night. It wasn’t for attention it was for prayer to take away something I couldn’t.  As I told one of my closet friends today I understand some relationships have to end, but fight your ass off to keep what you have. Divorce is an answer but not the answer. You think the memories are bad when your married and it ends wait until there are things you have to explain to your kids and you can’t and when I’m sorry means not a damn thing.  You can only hide behind that fake smile forever or your having a great day and the world comes crashing on you. The devil is an asshole but tomorrow he loses that’s just the way I roll. Thanks for letting me ramble!

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2 responses

5 09 2013
WyndyDee

Reblogged this on Wyndy Dee.

5 09 2013
Basharr

Never forget, be thankful for any and all memories as they are part of the fabric of your life. The tough ones are the trying ones but they allow you to learn to wade through them each time a little less painfully. I feel for you I too would be uncomfortable with some memories. I wrestled for years over the death of my grandfather on Christmas day. For a number of years I did not celebrate Christmas as it brought too many painful memories, I finally reached a point where I had to work through the memories and I am glad that I did.

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