Day 224 Reblog of my divorce 1 year ago

21 08 2013

Day 224 Reblog of my divorce 1 year ago

20 08 2013

I wanted those that haven’t read my blog to see what a year makes. I’m thankful for the journey and the opportunity to heal through the blog. I used to write everyday which was good then but the creative juices aren’t that strong everyday. lol Here were my thoughts one year ago today.

I let my kids go stay with my sister to spend time with them and also so they couldn’t see the wreck I was.
Today has been one of the most emotional days I have ever had. It started at about 2:00 am this morning. I was driving back and forth down 35 to Oklahoma and back to clear my head and nothing became clear. I tested a few of you hope you would respond back but wishing that you didn’t. I wanted to tell you the pain I was feeling but also didn’t want you to worry.
AS I write this today please feel no pity on me or feel sorry for me I made my bed laid in it and forgot to make when I woke up. All I want is to make sure that you never end up in the situation and if you have that never again. I started crying today in church. My mom and I were listening to the message on Sex and sexuality (One of the most amazing messages I have ever heard. I will talk about it tomorrow) I then looked back and every mistake I made in our marriage came back to me today. The lies I believed from Satan about deception, temptation, desire and destruction. That it would never happen to me and it did. Every day I woke up feeling less than a man and it helped destroy my marriage. When he talked about all the lust problems men have I cringed and then something in me opened the flood gates. He said that it was a battle that can be won and I lost it until recently.
Today  is the culmination of 14 years of my life from 22-36. I never once thought this day would ever come. Nobody gets married thinking man I can’t wait to get divorced, but then it happens. Our plans or made from a happy marriage idea and now they I’m picking up and moving on with a whole new set of dreams, and goals not yet fully known. I wanted to make a list of the good and bad that I can recall and what this day tomorrow means to me as I m left with my thoughts.

Good: When after playing paper rock scissors and I won because I know how to cheat she said yes that would go on a date with me. The first kiss in my truck and the three-hour conversation that followed. first time I held her hand,The 3 hours on a boat dock fishing, talking and eating taco bell, when she made me the first meal she had ever cooked, when she got her masters degree, I graduated from UNT, When I got on a knee and asked her to marry me and she said yes, when they opened the door to the church and I couldn’t believe how lucky I was and how beautiful she was,  when she got so drunk on our honeymoon she couldn’t walk to our suite, when the pregnancy test came back positive, when I saw our first child born and I got to hold her and looked at her and thanked my ex for giving me something so perfect,when we signed the papers for our first house, our first Christmas and how all of Christmas trees always leaned, when we bought our daughter her first Easter dress, our trip to Colorado Springs,  when we got our first cat Rugger, when she laid in bed with me and accepted God, when we found her dad’s side of the family and the pure europhia I was in. Our first trip to Disney world, the first time I got to stick my hand out and meet her real father and tell him how well he had done, when we didn’t have the money but found a way to get her back to Florida so she could tell her dad goodbye from cancer, when she told me how proud of me she was when I buried my father and how I handled it, our first trip to Las Vegas, Cozumel, and San Diego. The constant encouragement for me to make my business successful,  Giving me my 2nd child, being a great mother when I was not a great father,

Bad:
I can’t remember anything good from the past two years, when I met her mother, when I asked her mother if I could marry her daughter, when I had to ask her to love me, when I felt less than a man and she never knew what to say, planning our wedding, first time I cried around her, the things her mother said to me, the first pregnancy and how miserable we both were, our trip to see her grandmother in Chicago, when our daughter was 18 months old our trip to see her mother and when we came home I told her I wanted a divorce, the day my dad died, the day her dad died exactly two years later on the same day,  Our first car purchase, the names I called her,  the feeling of inadequacy I always felt, that no matter what I bought her I never thought she liked it, the things she said our of hate, when I told her I hated her, her giving up on me,  Business bankruptcy Sept 2009, personal bankruptcy April 9th 2010, she never came back after that, The lies she believed about me based on someone else s view,the incident in August 2011, that no matter what she never loved me, she never paid me a compliment, 2nd Vegas trip, The trip to Tennessee, December 7th 2011, Christmas 2011, when she told me she didn’t love me anymore, when she said that when I fell off her pedestal she never put me back on it, May 21st 2012 she said that she wanted a divorce that she didn’t love me and couldn’t remember the last time she had, When she said that I made every change that she wanted but that wasn’t good enough and she would never love me that way again, that reconciliation was not an option, finally tomorrow Aug 20th 2012

Folks I know all marriages go through this. You don’t have to.

I ask that tonight and tomorrow that you pray for us both. I ask that you don’t go down this road, and you send this blog to someone who needs to hear it. I love the opportunity this has given me and allowed myself to be vulnerable so I can be healed. Until tomorrow night.

 

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