Day 222 One year ago tomorrow

19 08 2013

I had amazingly exhausting weekend with my kids. We did school shopping, apartment shopping, and the North Texas Fair and Rodeo. It’s great because it’s a small version of the state Fair of Texas and I get to see a lot of folks I haven’t seen in a long time.  Also I got pictures for my walls finally so Im awesome I know.

This day one year ago I was planning for the truly unknown. I had been with the same women since I was 22 years old and all of that was about to come to an end. There is no way to prepare for a section of your life to end but since I over analyze I tried. I thought about what to say, or not say, how to say good-bye, that if you start to cry to keep looking at the ground. Why am I dressing up to go to this then I remembered its like a funeral. About 10 friends and family said to call and text and tell them when it’s over. I wondered what do I say to them and do they really care or just being nice to me. I slept about two hrs that night and actually woke up refreshed, or fearful like I was about to take the SAT again and I had no idea what I was doing. So what do you do the morning your going to get divorced? I went to my spot where I go to clear my mind and drank coffee. I don’t drink coffee! I prayed that morning for everyone that I had effected and everything that was changing because of this. I prayed for my children like I never had and I actually prayed for me. Not that God give me this or that but he help me find a path that he wanted and I could follow.  That all of the counseling and therapy was real and I was truly becoming the man I thought I was capable. I wanted to rid myself of the hate and bitterness that follows divorce. My loudest prayer is that I would never have to make this drive to a courthouse because I hurt another women, that I would understand what a women needs and that I would be a leader in my household and not just give it lip service. My promise that I made with God was please never let me be in a relationship again if I can’t be the man you intended and never let me hurt a women in the way I did.

As I drove to the courthouse I turned off the radio which is how I usually calm down and just sat in the silence of my thoughts. 14 years of memories two children, one child who will never remember he parents being married, the bad memories of the past years were there but also the good memories and there many. I got to the courthouse and it looked different from the other 100 times I drove past it, but I knew it was time to get out. I had weak knees and my hands were shaking. You have to take everything out of your pockets and go through a metal detector to get inside the courthouse and I guess I was visible a mess and I remember the lady with the wand looking at me and said” its okay sweetheart you start over today” I guess she knew i was getting divorced or I wrote it on my forehead! I went to the courtroom and there she was a women who now felt like a complete stranger. I saw her and wondered is this really happening and did we really marry. It’s amazing how when you’re divorcing that person becomes such a stranger and like you never knew them. Eye contact with her was very limited but for the first time in a while there was a sense of peace.

In this past year I am a new man and definitely for the better. I’m still single but I know I’m one heck of a catch for the right women. I work hard at it and in his same year I’m a daddy that my daddy would be proud of. I’m a better son, a better friend, I give more compliments but mostly Im not fake anymore. What you see is what you get and if you ask a question you get a real answer.  I still have a ton of fears that cause me not to see who I really can be, but I work on that too. I will honestly say my divorce is the best thing that happened to me. I miss my family but marriage is a two-way street and sometimes the streets never cross, but I know what I can and will offer and that God loves me no matter how big my bank account, the kind of car I drive, the amount of friends I have or how many sins my past created.

For every person that follows my blog, that encourages me,, that attacks me,  that thinks I’m weird, loves me, I needed all of you and will need you more. I can’t thank all of you enough.!!!!

 

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One response

10 02 2014
amanda

You really touch my heart with your words. Thank you.

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