Day 208 Women’s scars caused by us men

4 08 2013

Kids are back and we have truly enjoyed ourselves. My mom came up and Morgan and my mom cooked together. It was really special for me because my mom doesn’t cook much anymore and Morgan got to experience the greatness of my mom’s major in the kitchen. I miss hearing daddy when their away so not matter how much they talking hearing daddy always melts my heart.

2 weeks ago Morgan asked me dad whats wrong with you why aren’t you dating! When your 11-year-old asks you stop and question yourself. I asked her can I tell you why later and she said yes but you have to promise. So I have spent two weeks really asking what I’m doing or not doing. I came up with these two things fear and scars.

I want to talk about the scars we as men have done. Actually I will talk about the men in my life including my life. Every women that I’m close to, mom, sister, ex-wife, had their hearts ripped open and not really stitched back by men. My mom is an absolute bad ass! She is tough and has always handled anything thrown her way and because of that all people have treated her that way. Including her own father and my dad. They forget that she is delicate as well. They just kept piling up her on her and she always handled it because she could. They never held her and told it was going to be okay, let the burden go and let me handle it.  I see the 70 ear old women and wish so much I could take the years of hell from her but I can’t, I will continue to choose  to honor her and make sure she has the best life possible while she’s here.

My sister who is 5 years younger than me really only got to the see the worst of my dad from a physical standpoint. I think from a mental standpoint as well. My dad had beaten himself up so much mentally for being disabled and not providing that is what she and I got. Women find their true worth and beauty from their dad. That’s it nobody else!!!!! My sister spent a lot of her life trying to find who she is! If you know my sister she is one of the most incredible women in the world and so talented. I wish I was as talented as her but I can’t make her believe that. The she has been in those relationships that you wonder what in the hell are you doing.

My ex is and was someone who could have the world if she wanted. She lived a life without her dad and lived with a broken man in myself. Her examples of men were pretty crappy and the pain we brought her can’t be explained. I finally got to see what I did to her and have apologized many times.  Please again I know that the men aren’t the only ones at fault but I’m writing from that perspective.

So to answer my daughter’s question. It’s the scars that I have seen and caused is what’s wrong with me. I’m not talking about the physical I understand physical pain (27 broke bones, 438 stitches and 10 operations) I m talking about the mental scars that we put on the brain and heart.  I have seen them with the 3 closest women in my life that men or I did to them. I made a promise on my divorce day that I would never be the man to make a women, feel worthless, inadequate, heartbroken, lost, missing something, fearful or worst of all filed with hate. My pain caused a lot of scars and the problem with scars is that they never go away but fade. Scars reappear with weather changes, music, the smell of food, a certain city, a certain piece of clothing, or pictures. I never want to be that cause again.

So I tried to explain to my daughter what I just said above that  I don’t want to create more scars so I m afraid and I have let me fear stop me. She always uses things in conversation against or me or to help me. Remember when you said dad that no matter what we will always hurt people even when we don’t want to? (I braced myself) Yes sweetie then just know now your not  doing it on purpose and I don’t want you lonely anymore. So now what? I’m going to cause scars but they will be different I hope! I wish I could apologize to every women for what we as  men brought down on you but that man who caused it either a dad, husband, boyfriend, brother, or total stranger has to. Just know that there is hope. 2.5 years ago I would have read this blog, and cursed the guy writing it, and sad what a wuss, he’s not a real man. Im a real and will continue to strive to be one and help change other men too so hopefully we can lessen the scars.

 

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2 responses

4 08 2013
ioniamartin

It is a testament to what a great parent you are that you recognise these things and are trying to do what you can to prevent further emotional damage. Well wishes to you all.

5 08 2013
smilecalm

may all be happy, safe and well with actions from the heart.

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