Day 170 Truth laid down with me

25 06 2013

I spent Sunday night going back through all of my blogs and I caught up with a friend of 20 years that we had not spoken but more than  twice in that time frame. Wow i really put myself out there in my blogs. I really don’t remember it all. I sit down in front of the computer and something different comes over me. It’s a cool feeling but at the same time I know when I push send the fear of a teenager comes back. I set the fire, watch it burn and wait to see what happens when it burns out. The past two years I felt alive, I felt dead, I felt like curling in a ball, I felt on was on top of the world, Ive cried like the first time I got a shot, I hit my knees more than ever, I have reached up for someone and their was an empty hand, I tried to love me, I tried to hate me, I sat in my apartment with nothing but the sound of my breath, I fought with me and talked to myself a lot, I sat in fields and admired the stars, I went to a hospital and watched the babies sleep, I drove past my old house and wondered what happened, I drove half way across the country trying to find myself, I drank myself silly wondering can I be loved, I gave two people all I had left, I questioned God, I loved God I acted like everything was okay. I looked someone in the eyes and told them I was a scared little boy, I pushed at least 6 people out of my life and told them I wasn’t good enough for them, I sat at the Rugby field and wondered why my athletic career was over, I went to the Casino and went to be close to people but not to close, I stopped a domestic abuse situation, I held a homeless man, I finally went back to my dad;s grave, I baptized my daughter, I held my son over my head like he was a baby, I stopped the car and picked a piece of cotton, I went to the animal shelter and told the animals that it was going to be okay you won’t always be alone, I looked my ex in the eye and told myself you were flawed but remember the good.

Truth is last night I sat in my bed listening to music and turned it off. I looked at the ceiling of my apartment and truth laid next to me. You’re a good man and there are many that think the same thing. You have changed lives for the better. I know your heart-broken for many reasons but your almost there. See the good remember the bad and stop living in it. For the first time in probably 5 years I heard me say thank you  before I went to sleep God and truth thank you  because I am a good man  and Im almost there.




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