Day 161 I wish I had a cool picture of my dad

16 06 2013

I had a very fun day with my babies and now there back with their mom. The morning message at church was about fathers and what we should be. I always have such a mixed bag of emotions on this day because it should be so happy because of my babies. I look back at Fathers day with my dad and I’m so sad because I took him for granted on so many occasions. The relationship we had wasn’t great but wasn’t horrible but what it dad allow me was this: Im a kick butt dad and when the lay me 6 ft under one day my children, my family and even you will say that man was an amazing father. I will work my ass off every day to be the best father that I am capable, I will make mistakes but I will die trying to make sure that my kids understand the opportunity I was given and I cherished it with the most open arms. I want other men young or old to say that’s the kind of man and father I want to be. I may not ever have the most toys, best career, another wife, or travel the world but what matters the most I will be the best.

Today on Facebook I saw so many people change their profile pic to those of them and their Father and all I could say was I wish I had a cool pic that. I have two pics with my dad since 1998. One I graduated from college in 1998 and in 2000 our justice of the peace wedding. (we had two weddings) One of the pics you can see the physical pain on his face and the other it must have gotten wet and kind of stuck to another pic. I have one of him in his casket and that’s it. He didn’t want me to see him like he was but I told him without a pic I still know. You see at 10 my dad said you’re the man of the family and that’s where our relationship started going down hill. When he said that he actual meant it and let me take the reins. You can never tell a boy you’re the man of the family and let go. Im 37 and just now figuring out the whole man thing. If you know me I have strong shoulders and can handle a lot my dad knew that and he let me take that because he was afraid. I was an ear for my mom, a push for my sister and do everything for my dad and a boy only sometimes. I learned to be independent and I learned I needed nobody but me. That worked fine until I did need someone and that man was my dad. I had a conversation with my mom yesterday about hoe upset I was with her that she had stayed with him when he just gave up on us. I said that was the example you wanted for me and I was so upset.  I told her that there was this man I never got to see that you did. he was a great dresser, artist, musician, card player and anything he touched turned to gold when he put his mind to it, but all I got to see was the broken down man, that coughed up his lungs and couldn’t wipe his own ass. I remember twice when my dad was real with me: One was a fishing trip my uncle hos brother took us on in Port Aransas. I got to hear my dad talk about boobs, drinking, tell jokes and smile for once. The other was the last 6 months of his life. he was transparent and he said he was sorry. He told he all the things he would do again if he could and he said” Son I wish I was half of the man you are now! At that time I was still so engulfed in my own  anger and wishing him to die that I never really grasped what he said. so Fast forward now:

I took my dad for granted. Through the counseling and the therapy I forgave my dad and my mom. My mom lived her vows and is a badass lady. she put up with more than any women should have had to and did it better than most. I told  her that yesterday and told her I wasn’t mad at her anymore and I’m proud of what she did. We are all broken we can either choose to do something with it or live it. My dad lived it but he let me know at the end of his life how proud he was of me and that I was truly the apple of his eye. He said just mentioning my name filled him with the greatest of joy. He meant it when he said he wished he was half the man I was. I needed him to be there for me but he wasn’t because he couldn’t be then he died, but because he told me his true feelings before he passed away I was able to look at the bright side and good side today. I can love and cherish my kids because he didn’t know how, but wanted to so badly, he tried and failed but at least he tried. So today there is no more guilt or condemnation on myself. I love my father good and bad and Im proud to say that I was his son. It’s the same strength I had at 10 that will allow me to continue to be the greatest father any man could dream of being. I love you dad and thank you.

 

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