Day 62 Screw U Grieving Process

3 03 2013

Since I have always been real its time again for that realness to come out. I ve been struggling for a week now to write this blog but its time. I never understood why somebody would read something that they knew could piss them off and still read but then in turn try to bring the writer down to their level. I have taken some horrible verbal tongue lashing lashings some deserved and some not. Tonight I m sure people will have all the answers, will make fun of me and can’t wait to attack me in my weak state of mind. I’m also sure that there are those people who will withdraw from me, stop being my friend and if you ever thought of dating me will turn tail and run. It’s okay because people have been turning their back on me now for 2 years and I’m used to that. I have a group of people who are there for me and maybe after this there will be some new folks that appreciate me for being vulnerable and honest.

I’m in  a living hell right now. Brian my counselor said to me in September I know you’re in a really good place right now but the worst is coming. I was euphoric I was happy and in an amazing place. Who wouldn’t be I just had got of out of the worst 5 years of life that I could have ever imagined. Now you SOB your telling the worst is still coming. I blew that thought process off and said I’ll show you. He was right!!!! Don’t stop me if you have heard this before but in the past few years: I lost my dad, my best friend, filed business and personal bankruptcy, lost my business, the best cat in the world, my dignity, and finally my ex-wife. Worst of all everything I believed to be true since I was 5-37 was a damn fing lie. Work hard and you will get results, if you don’t turn your back on people they will be there, be a good man and do for others and it will be returned, change and sacrifice for someone and that person will be there for forever. It’s all a damn lie. You believe what you want but put your faith in people and they will screw you.

No before all of you experts start telling me to do I know this: Your walk with God is not where it should be. Ding your right and if you’re judging me yours isn’t either, You need to get closer to God and pray more. Yes I know and so do you. I don’t need more experts and I don’t need your generic Christian BS that people tell you to feel better what I have to do is complete this season of life. “Grieving Process”

You take everything I went through and I m still grieving. No F’s and or buts about it. There are days I want to medicate (Sex alcohol, a phony relationship with someone of the opposite sex, a material position but I haven’t.) That’s what most of us do. I have tried my best to do this  with the people I care about the most and not drag others into this. It hurts and it hurts bad. I know the first response I get is he’s not over his divorce. Really no  shit. When they lay me in the dirt I will then be over it. I shared a life with another human  being and had children so yes it will always hurt because I failed.  I know in time it will get better but if you want to tell me your over yours and it never hurts you a liar. I have talked to 5 80 years old men that said no matter how hard you try to block it out it will ALWAYS be there. I’m going to take the advice from the wise of age and experience over your wisdom of a 40 year person because you want people to think your okay. Just FYI were human, broken and we are all screwed up but I know I’m have to be the worst.

Do you honestly think I want to be here hell no but here’s the greatest news. Grieving is a process and I m almost to the point where it’s time to move on. I’m just in the worst part. I thought oh well in September I was happy and not sad so I’m done grieving. You can skip steps in the process. I tried and that’s why I am here. I could explain the steps of grieving but I’ll let you try that it’s boring and in all honestly its a tad bit irritating. This isn’t about my bank account, a big house, vacation or car. It’s about right now my needs list is a lot bigger than what I accomplished. I’m not talking about doing the dishes or washing the sheets. I m talking about that list at the end of every week you either read off of a piece of paper or off your mental notes and you haven’t accomplished it yet. Doing what God wants us to do, truly helping others, seeing things the way God sees them. When you see the homeless person you say yes rather than no.  when your kid says can you read the book to me but what you’re doing is more important than them. The spouse  or friend that has asked you to do something for them or just listen but because what they may say to you is a burden you find every other thing in the world to do. I have more knowledge, ability  and gifts than I have used. It finally comes down to this. I m not done grieving. I’m a hell of a lot better than where I was but I’m not there yet. I still hate me some days, I walk by the mirror and say really, I look at others and compare myself to them. I know better because you are just as jacked up as me. (Yes you are)After counseling last Tuesday the light at other end of the forest is visible, but I got tired and sat down in mud-hole and tried to ask God to help but I was just talking, he knows what I need and knows when I’m serious. Yes I’m depressed thank you Dr. Phil and I’m a lot of other things but at least I know where I have to go. Maybe I’m being a P%^&Y for a lack of a better word but I’m healing and trying to do it the right way. I know you may think this guy has lost it. Maybe so but I also maybe writing what a lot of people think but just don’t have the ganas to say or tell anyone.
I’m here to help and this helps me. If you got anything out of this just know your not the only one screwed up and your okay.

I, not sure when I’m going to write my next blog, maybe tomorrow maybe next week. I appreciate you reading it if you did and if not thanks for thinking I’m crazy. Any response good or bad is appreciated. If I get nothing then I know everybody is crazy like me and I can sleep better at night  lol…

 

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4 responses

4 03 2013
Lily

Hello Ty, Great blog you wrote there. I’m sure it probably took a lot of guts for you to express what you did. Thanks for writing it. In my divorce care classes I was advised to blog and/or journal everything you feel whether good or bad because it helps also with the grieving process. You are on the right track to recovery and healing, just be patient with yourself and always know I will always be here if you need a friend. God loves you and He is right there with you. Just remember to give God praise and be thankful for what you do have, for waking you up every morning, for being able to see, talk, hear, love, good health, your children and anything else you can think of. Keep your eyes on God and not the situation. People will always let us down and disappoint us but God won’t. Trust God with all your heart and I promise you, he will not let you down or disappoint you. He won’t ever leave you or forsake you.

Hugs and kisses,
Lily

4 03 2013
stilllearning2b

Sounds totally normal to me. Grief is not linear. It cannot be forced; it does not operate on the timeline that we try to impose. There is a place in the journey where it feels insumountable – you’re exhausted and the finish line (more like a finish field – again, not linear) seems too far off. Take a break. You don’t need to self-medicate but you can back off. Breathe. Focus on other things. The healing will happen even if it is not always in the forefront of your mind. It is also helpful to be grateful for how far you have already come; it can bring valuable persepctive.

4 03 2013
Steve Myers

Tyler, have admired you from afar for several years. Young and enthusiastic! All have our challenges, mine of health, kids & grandkids & business. Proud we’re still in the building ballgame, MANY are not! Callme 214-794-1932 or email sticksandbricks@sbcglobal.net.

6 03 2013
prayingforaspouse

We are all living in hell right now…some just smoke weed so that they can chill out…that isn’t me. I am allergic.

Some lash out at people because they are fearful of being hurt again.

And some just push away afraid of people leaving when the going gets tough.

Best part is that usually when people push us away it is about them and not us.

Sometimes the people that absolutely care the most push us the furthest and most completely out of their minds just so they do not have to feel anything or risk anything.

And sometimes people read blogs because deep down they know someone meant well and they miss them and were just too prideful to admit it.

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