Day 14 what do you do.

16 01 2013

Got to go visit with my mom last night and take her to dinner. I miss that old lady sometimes. She is an amazing women who can always me make me smile at something. She still tells me to wash my hands and do I have clean underwear on in case I have an accident. I always explained to her that if I have an accident I m going to mess in them anyway.

So far so good on the year and accomplishments. Slowly but surely the picture is becoming clearer. I have used a lot of Windex and can almost see out the window

I was asked how did I get where I am at today after what has happened to me the past 4 years “What do you do”? You sit in it! Yeah you have to sit in what was done. It was the worst and hardest thing I have ever had to do. There are many ways to medicate (drugs, music, sex, alcohol, other people, violence). Typically we all bury ourselves that destroy us rather than make us better. I was begged to deal with it. So many nights I sat in my apartment with a candle on and talked to God and then just thought out everything. It doesn’t make me better than anyone but I wanted a new life. There was only one way. I will say it sucks to deal with it in that manner but you actually get to grasp and see the error of your ways.  Silence is golden until you want to hear something and can’t. I was introduced to a gentleman the 2 weeks  that said I will do anything to fix my life just tell me. I told him what I said here and he said that’s the dumbest thing her ever heard. Monday night he called and said I said it wasn’t the dumbest he ever had heard because he had no idea how to do it. He said he had been doing just that and he hated who he had become but he understood.. He cried on the phone to me and for the first time in a while I cried with a total stranger. If you have to make it make sense before you do it then stop trying. The best lessons in life are from the things we don’t have to understand but go blindly by faith.

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