Day 78 Old Tyler is Dying

8 11 2012

What a hell of  a day. From my daughter having to go to the Dr. for a tendon problem in her foot to the counseling appt. I had today. It was one of the hardest and most depressing counseling sessions I’ve  had in a long time. Now it was necessary everything I heard. It ended in a playful but not so much with me flipping off my counselor. We both laughed kind of but I didn’t want to.

We all go through seasons in life. We all know the seasons (Fall, Winter, Spring and Summer) Sometimes we never leave a season. I’m in the winter right now. Things are dying in the old me so when my spring comes I will have new blooms. After today I know I still have a lot of anger and maybe  more fear than I have ever had or maybe admitted.

Do remember the old pin cushions our mothers had.  You would see a hundred different pins in them and it seemed they were never used. My life is that pin cushion. I pulled out 100 of those pins in the past year  dropped them on the ground and that still leave holes in your heart. When you try to pick the pins up that you need to sustain a quality God-fearing life you stab the pins in your hands, you drop them on your foot. What I mean is you hurt yourself. You have to plug the wholes out when you empty your heart  (Pin cushion) but you can’t do it all at one time. I thought I was in my spring season of life but I got a dose of reality today that I m in winter and there are still parts of me dying off. Good thing is that they will die and I will be one hell of  a new blooming tree soon but this hurts. I want to believe or force myself to be in a new season of life but it only comes in God’s time and not mine. You would have thought I would have learned that already but I’m  still hard-headed.

Please know I m not writing for attention or sympathy. I just know if we are honest we all either have or will go through this. I want you to be prepared you cannot skip steps in healing. It’s always darkest before the dawn. My sun is coming up I just have to be patient. I started isolating myself again and getting away from what has helped me get to at least this point. I m going back to counseling weekly. Also I hear that the holidays suck for single people so I will need the support.

Love you pass this along.

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