Day 46 Its finally clear

6 10 2012

 

As I sit in Buffalo Wild wings watching the Texas Rangers season go in the toilet. I can appreciate now it’s not how you start in life but how you finish. The Rangers started off great and it’s ending in a thud. My life started as a thud and I know that I will finish has a champion.

Today was drop-off day for my kids. I dislike this day so much. Not for the loneliness but for the 7 days I miss watching them grow and their amazing stories they have. I love my children more than life itself. I think they are beginning to know it.  My daughter tells me everyday thank you for loving me as much as you do.

I needed some inspiration to write today. I had no idea what I was going to write about until I had breakfast with my friend Javier. I have a lot of people who follow the blog but never comment. This morning he gave a glowing review of my blog but also he said something that I ve tried to portray but have never been able to say the correct way. He said thank you for being vulnerable so others don’t have to.  The light bulb came on then.

I started this for my benefit and you have no idea how it helps me everyday. It helps others because I can be honest and sometimes verbally vomit. to know that it is helping others overcome their own inner demons or thoughts is amazing to me. Its my ministry now and if one person can feel blessed, helped, or hopeful then I know I m doing whats right. I sit down sometimes at this computer and I m not a writer but something comes over me and I feel that I m a different person for a bit.

Tonight will be the last blog about my past or my divorce unless it’s requested. That is such a negative part of my life and its time you get to see the happy content and hopeful person I m now. Out of all the past hell some great things are happening and you deserve to know those too.

I mentioned that July 1 st my healing truly started. I got to see my ex in a different light and I saw myself differently. I still had disagreements with my ex but I didn’t lose my temper. I started believing in me and I could do things that I questioned for so long. I starting reaching out to people and actually set up coffee dates etc.. I started being funny again and I actually got to the point that I could be around my ex and not feel hatred and bitterness. June 20th started the 60 day wait to get a divorce. I also started talking publicly about my hearing. I also was attacked by some mutual people but was able to dust that off with no problem. Nothing big happened in this time. Just preparing for the day of August 20th to get here. One of the toughest things to hear happened a week before we got divorced she told me that I had become the husband, man and father that she always wanted me to be but she didn’t love me anymore. That stung but when I heard those I knew this was no longer on me.

The Monday of August 20th was a day like no other. I was so ready to get it over but then again 14 years of my life closed off and I had no choice in the matter anymore. We met at the courthouse that morning both of us by ourselves with the attorney there. When went into the courtroom that morning the judge was a friend and a Rotarian in the club that I was in. We had 3 others in front of us. When we were called I thought my legs were cement and man I didn’t want the moment to come. The judged asked us both questions and the lawyer asked us some. I started to cry as memories all came back to me. The gavel hit the desk and its over. 14 years of marriage in the snap of a finger. We both went outside and sat down so we could get the final divorce papers didn’t say much. The lawyer came back with the papers and he left. I looked at her and she wouldn’t look at me. I decided to give her a hug and she gave me a hug and said that she was so sorry. I told her that I was sorry too. She walked away and I stood there and looked around it felt like 10 minutes but it was about 1. I remember telling God I will never be here again but thank you for the lesson learned. I walked to the car and called Jim and felt a peace that I knew it would be okay.
When I saw Jim we hugged and at that moment I knew I was a single man, single father, and a brand new man.

Love ya pass this along.

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2 responses

6 10 2012
prayingforaspouse

THE BEST BLOG YOU HAVE EVER WRITTEN. TEARJERKER!

6 10 2012
Tucker Communications

Today you start the life God has prepped for you. I am glad to see you have moved on. God bless you my friend, you have survived and you have helped many. I you ever question why…. think about the many that you have helped without realizing it. You may have started out venting, blaming and angry, however you have blossomed into a voice for others going through the same thing. Think about this… how many have you stopped from committing suicide, just because they found someone else who understands their pain. I would say God had a plan and on that day… you listened. I love you!

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