Day 32 The Butterfly Effect

22 09 2012

I love to read any and everything except ESPN the magazine I think it sucks. Andy Andrews is an amazing write he hates to write though which is usually true of the best. He wrote a book called the Butterfly Effect.  A quote that I hope you can appreciate ” Every single thing you do matters.  You have been created as on of a kind. You have been created in order to make a difference. You have within you the power to change the world. He never said some of the things you do he said every thing you do.  He didn’t say good or bad. So every thing you do matters. Remember that when you think this isn’t a big deal it always is.

Heading to the movies tonight by myself to see Trouble with the Curve. Its a movie about a screwed up dad which we all know something about.

I hate drop off day for my kids. You can actually feel the tension in the mornings. Today was  a rough morning kids moving to slow and then saying they don’t want to go. I then have to prepare myself not to cry because I won’t see them. i have  figured in a year that I will miss 192 days of there life a year. I m sure they need me more than that too. I look at that number on the screen and think of all the things I could have done to change the outcome of my marriage so things could be different. Without what happened I would still be a sorry excuse of a man and father. So the days I do have them I will bust my ass to be the best man they will ever see. I won’t be perfect I know how to say I m sorry now and they will know that I will strive to let them know its okay if they make mistakes just be sorry and learn from them.

I haven’t wrote the end of the story on what started my ex and I on our roller coaster. I finished last time talking about I drew a line in the sand and told her I would change.This was March 2011 I told her to tell me what she wanted me to change and I would. The things she said cut me to the cor, but for the first time I actually heard what she was saying. I was a crappy dad, a horrible provider, and some others. There were six total. I said if the marriage is going to change I have to lead the charge. For the months of April and May she tested me over and over again. I didn’t fail. At this time I was selling my business, I had went to work for a flooring company and tried to start over. I was bummed about losing my business but a sense of relief that I could get over this.  There were thins that had happened in the months of January and March that can’t happen in a marriage that caused me to change and look at my failures as a husband. I will say that the month of June and first two weeks f  2011 was the most amazing month of our marriage my ex was everything I had wanted. In return I thought I was pretty good too. I thought we turned the corner. At the end of July 2011 we went to Vegas and on that trip something had changed. I had no idea what it was but she changed to me in a horribly way. We had been communicating and she shut down. I tried to think what I had done and begged her to tell me and nothing. When we got back we fought worse than we ever had. I had said things to her that I would not say to a dead animal. I actually hated her every bit of her. I can’t speak of what happened at the end of August but it absolutely floored me. I was ready to blow my brains out and very seriously thought about it. This is where my changed started.

Just an aside. My best friend Jim and I had ended our friendship February 29th 2008 we didn’t speak again until June 2011.. I had read on Facebook that he had found out that his youngest son was deaf. I put my pride down and sent a message on Facebook. Long story short we both put down our egos, immaturity and reached out to each other. Little did I know that August morning at 3:30 am I would be calling him and asking for help. Jim I know you read this. I love you and I know you know how sorry I was for all of my mishaps in our friendship but I would gladly die for you today if given the opportunity. Our friendship is amazing and he is the only person that understands me and had gone through every battle with me. If you don’t have that friend find one my life would had been empty without him.

I will talk next time about what started the beginning of the end.

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2 responses

22 09 2012
Jim

I love you brother.

23 09 2012
rebecca2000

You know, this post was very touching. It seems you learned a lot of life lessons recently. A best friend is worth everything.

x,
Becca

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