Day 15 I hate writing about this crap now

5 09 2012

Im not real sure I like Monday holidays. My whole week gets off and then I can’t catch up. Smile when you don’t want to. Smile when you talk. Its hard for people to be in a bad mood around you when your like this. I really tried this today and it worked. I ve been told that I look very intimidating when I don’t smile so many people smiled back at me today. Either that or I had a booger hanging out my nose and nobody wanted to tell me.

Rule 5 Learning never ends
: Iv e learned that there is not any part of life that doesn’t contain lessons. Also when I learned one another is just waiting on me. Many times I thought I was learning self esteem and then more humality hits. I will never never have it under control  its impossible.We never learn everything we need because our life is always unfolding. I finally0 have come to understand and maybe be a bit relieved that I will never have all of this figured out. We never graduate from this school which is what brings its value. Know that you will always be a perpetual student of life. If you can grasp that you will never know everything then the world opens up to more possibilities.

For those that are new reading this I started this for my healing has a went through my divorce process. I have been through hell and back mostly the hell i Created. I wrote most of that back in my old blog I picking now where I started getting the creditors coming after me for the business debt. I was servicing  the debt for about 7K a month and I still had payroll and other overhead. I stopped taking paychecks so I could make sure that my employees were getting paid.It makes you pretty bitter when your working 80 hours a week and getting zero in return. I had lost myself, I was losing my daughter and my ex was about done with me. My mom and sister kept saying all we want to do is see you happy. Please know that it doesn’t make it any better but I never owed a person just my credit card companies. I wanted to be able to look those people in the eye. They had no idea what I went through to get them paid but I m glad I did. At the end of 2009 Christmas rolled around and I was about Fed up. I hated the holidays and wanted nothing to do with it. I had only hoped that something that would come along and get me out my hell. Well that person was Mike McKennedy. He told me to cut the losses and start over. Said pray about your decision but do it before you have a heart attack and die.It was the one decision I didn’t want to happen not for me but what it would do to my ex. When i told her what needed to be done she seemed okay with it. I thought it was going to be okay then the fight happened and everything she felt about me came out. What was said that February day in 2010 will be ingrained in my memory forever. After 12 years there were things that came out and were said that I had no idea about and didn’t even know where to start. I was hoping she was only speaking through fear but it turns out that it was all true. We had credit score in the high 760’s and now we had zero. I was the only one to blame I thought.

April 9 2010 personal bankruptcy day. We walked or were herded into the Plano center and got asked a few questions.I swear there were a 100 people waiting. When we meet the judge she asked a few questions to us asked how it happened and it was over. I have ever felt so small, insignificant, worthless, puny, dissolved, unloved, embarrassed and dead inside than I did that day. We walked to our car and went and sat and both cried. I grabbed her hand and asked her to pray with me. Probably the first time in a year that happened.  When it was over I asked her for her support and love. I had no idea which way was up. She said that she would. Well that was officially the last day she was my wife at least in a mental sense. She left me that day and never came back. I know in hindsight I should have seen it but I was to blinded to think that we had true love and we could get through this situation. I was left to my own accord and all I  wanted to do was die and slowly I was.





One response

6 09 2012

The end of my marriage marked the end of my company… That I poured 3 years of my life into…. I miss the company WAY more than I miss the crappy marriage….

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