Day 611 I have a pretty kick butt life

There have been a lot of changes in life lately. Sometimes I want to blog about them and sometimes the words just aren’t there. Also there are actually things in my life I don’t talk about because its nobody’s business.  I have been told the past two weeks that my blogs have been  really good. I guess the others have sucked lol. When I speak from my heart no matter, how raw or hurtful, or deep they may go those are my best blogs. I appreciate you reading and also when I see you out in public and I had no idea you read them but you let me know.

I always get suggestions about my blog. Write about this or that. I use a lot of them and Im using one I got Friday. My friend said you never write about being happy. I know you and you’re a really happy person. It’s not that I don’t because if you follow my blog where I am at today in my life I think my blogs come across more like than I am happy than not.  I write my blog to help me but to also helps those that feel a certain way or feel in the future. I have been through hell and back and where  am at now is pretty good. So with the advice here I go.

I have the best intermediate family any man could ask for. My kids are so amazing they have overcome everything we threw at them and are still standing tall.. My mother is the best mom even with Parkinson’s you would n’t know, she has never let me down and I always can count on her.  I love her so much and Im still her little boy. My sister is a badasss. She loves and is an amazing giver. My nephew is the smartest and most athletic kid. Im a grinder, Im an over-comer. I have shed more bad crap in my life in the past 2.5 years than most will do in a lifetime. I see things that most people  cant or wont. Im vulnerable, raw open, loving, I will give the shirt off my back. Those things are new but so happy that I can finally be that way. I have the best friends in the world. They are all different in their friendship with me but bring something amazing to the to the table. I have 3 very good friends that I guess would be called secret friends because of life circumstances but they have been my rock and carried me through some tough times. I wish I could mention them but they are okay just be there for me and vice versa. I have finally found my calling in that I have Rock Bottom Outreach which is my new family. I was accepted with open arms and now we have a bond and connection that we using to change lives. This has allowed me to speak to different groups of men, women and high school kids. Since I layout it all on the line my story is helping people change themselves.

I get to blog and have tons of readers and support, Sure I have haters but haters are just people waiting to let go of themselves so they can gone my team to help others. Im learning to love again. Its so slow and somedays painful but Im taking steps. If my journey is 100 steps Im on step three. I was on step one for 36 years so that a good thing. Sure I could give a list of problems but Im choosing to live my life moving forward and not backward. That is making me happy. If you talk to me everyday you know my struggles but you also know Im great to be around and Im funny. I love-making others laugh and that makes me happy. I weigh less and look better than any other point in my life. I weigh what I did in 8th grade. So with that. Im happy and lucky to be where I am at. My life is pretty kick butt and where I struggle Im fighting it and trying to make it better. Im bring in the good and getting rid of the bad. I couldn’t ask for much more but I do, but its to do better for others When I decided that my life will be lived for others my live became pretty kick butt. I appreciate the journey and truly thankful for the pain, anguish, the lost people , the lost life I had so I could be here.  Im kicking butt and only have more planned.

Day 611 I have a pretty kick butt life

There have been a lot of changes in life lately. Sometimes I want to blog about them and sometimes the words just aren’t there. Also there are actually things in my life I don’t talk about because its nobody’s business.  I have been told the past two weeks that my blogs have been  really good. I guess the others have sucked lol. When I speak from my heart no matter, how raw or hurtful, or deep they may go those are my best blogs. I appreciate you reading and also when I see you out in public and I had no idea you read them but you let me know.

I always get suggestions about my blog. Write about this or that. I use a lot of them and Im using one I got Friday. My friend said you never write about being happy. I know you and you’re a really happy person. It’s not that I don’t because if you follow my blog where I am at today in my life I think my blogs come across more like than I am happy than not.  I write my blog to help me but to also helps those that feel a certain way or feel in the future. I have been through hell and back and where  am at now is pretty good. So with the advice here I go.

I have the best intermediate family any man could ask for. My kids are so amazing they have overcome everything we threw at them and are still standing tall.. My mother is the best mom even with Parkinson’s you would n’t know, she has never let me down and I always can count on her.  I love her so much and Im still her little boy. My sister is a badasss. She loves and is an amazing giver. My nephew is the smartest and most athletic kid. Im a grinder, Im an over-comer. I have shed more bad crap in my life in the past 2.5 years than most will do in a lifetime. I see things that most people  cant or wont. Im vulnerable, raw open, loving, I will give the shirt off my back. Those things are new but so happy that I can finally be that way. I have the best friends in the world. They are all different in their friendship with me but bring something amazing to the to the table. I have 3 very good friends that I guess would be called secret friends because of life circumstances but they have been my rock and carried me through some tough times. I wish I could mention them but they are okay just be there for me and vice versa. I have finally found my calling in that I have Rock Bottom Outreach which is my new family. I was accepted with open arms and now we have a bond and connection that we using to change lives. This has allowed me to speak to different groups of men, women and high school kids. Since I layout it all on the line my story is helping people change themselves.

I get to blog and have tons of readers and support, Sure I have haters but haters are just people waiting to let go of themselves so they can gone my team to help others. Im learning to love again. Its so slow and somedays painful but Im taking steps. If my journey is 100 steps Im on step three. I was on step one for 36 years so that a good thing. Sure I could give a list of problems but Im choosing to live my life moving forward and not backward. That is making me happy. If you talk to me everyday you know my struggles but you also know Im great to be around and Im funny. I love-making others laugh and that makes me happy. I weigh less and look better than any other point in my life. I weigh what I did in 8th grade. So with that. Im happy and lucky to be where I am at. My life is pretty kick butt and where I struggle Im fighting it and trying to make it better. Im bring in the good and getting rid of the bad. I couldn’t ask for much more but I do, but its to do better for others When I decided that my life will be lived for others my live became pretty kick butt. I appreciate the journey and truly thankful for the pain, anguish, the lost people , the lost life I had so I could be here.  Im kicking butt and only have more planned.

 

Day 572 I know I hurt my children with our divorce

Day 572 I know I hurt my children with our divorce.

Day 572 I know I hurt my children with our divorce

I got to do my first speaking to high school students yesterday . Such a great day. The school is inner city and I was worried what I had to say wouldn’t really apply. It went off great and our team of speakers is something Im truly proud of .

Last night I was coming home and had one of those moments that stay with you for a while. I was coming up Hwy 35 going home and on the opposite side of the road you could see a car was on fire. It had just started  and since in flight or fight I always fight. I was trying to figure out where to park/ what to do to help call 911 etc.. When I pull up the car has a small explosion Im guessing the gas tank is on fire and then I look about 20 yards down the road and there are horses everywhere. There is also a truck and trailer overturned but then I see 3 people giving CPR to a man around my age right in the middle of the highway. Nobody had answers to anything and there was no emergency personal on site yet. I went as close as I could to the car on fire to see if there was a body but no and then I just came back and watched this lady perform CPR. She was working so hard but the guy still wasn’t breathing . I kind of caught my mind and went to gather the horses back up. I got one and tied it to the trailer but I couldn’t help but think of the guy. I have no idea if he died but for some reason I put myself as that guy and hoped more than anything that he lived and hope many people loved him. I have no idea what caused me to think  that but man it was so surreal.

When you get divorced and you have children Im not sure you ever know  the true pain it causes your children. They have emotion and feelings that they have no idea how to tell you about and usually they don’t come out until there older and the anger and bitterness is revealed with it. If I could change it I would and now I know that there are things that will come up over time and I just have to learn to deal with them in the right way. Friday morning I had no idea what to do. I was trying to get Brayden dressed since somehow he got his shirt on but it was inside out and backwards. While i was helping he said Dad are you coming to my first day of school on Monday? I said you know it I wouldn’t miss it. He said no are you coming with mommy. I said yes we will both be there. He said no daddy will you be there married to mommy. I m so glad there wasn’t a picture  of my face because Im sure it was like I was about to throw up. I stood up because I was about to cry and  sat down on the floor with him and explained about his mom and I also told him I was sorry which is the first time I told him that about our divorce.. I then let him play and walked into my bathroom and cried like a child. To know that age 3 when we got divorced I left a scar on him that deep. At 5 years old that he was able to tell me that was incredible. When we were ready to leave the house he looked at me said its okay daddy just be there Monday okay.

I saw all of this to tell you. That no matter what you think divorce will scare your kids. If you can do anything to save your marriage do it. It takes work and letting go of a lot of things. Kids don’t want to see their parents in a bad marriage either but they will remember good or bad. My job and our job as parents is to always have open lines of communication and take responsibility for your marriage mistakes so hopefully our kids wont repeat them.