Day 600 Do you believe in me really?

18 09 2014

Trying to protect yourself from your kids and all of the other germ factories in their school is like trying to protect yourself from a rain cloud. We are all three sick. I’m better and now they are sick. With all the booggies, sneezing, Kleenex and washing hands we look like a soap opera.

We all search for the meaning in life. I’m searching for my meaning maybe when I find mine I can help you find yours. I can say I’m about as close as I will ever be. Yesterday I had the opportunity  speak to Brock  high school and Jr, high along with  30 adults.It accounted for around 425 kids.   The sense of being where your supposed to be is so peaceful to me. Sure I get nervous but it’s not for the reasons you think. I could care less what other people think of me, how they judge me or watch someone drop their jaw when I say the things I do. I get nervous because I have one shot to have the words that are needed. I pray to God that I can say the one thing that a kid or adult walks out with and sad that big bald guy said not to do this or do that.  The stories are true and I’m not lying about any of it. I just become peaceful because maybe one child walks away and their life changes and they don’t walk down the path of destruction I did. When you have a path of destruction not only do you hurt yourself but you’re dragging others along your nail ridden path too. You see kids looking at you like what a weirdo but when your done they know that they heard the truth. What they choose to do with it is up to them. When the talks were  over I got to shake a few hands and one girl named Brooke said to me. Do you believe the things you told us? I paused because I knew what I said next mattered. I said without a shadow of a doubt I  believe it and I believe in you. Whatever it is that is causing you confusion or anger you have to believe that it can change. She said I hope so and I have to go to class but thanks for pour your heart out.  I said wow and shook hands with her.

I was there in life and especially that age. I had a life nobody knew of and because the way I was wired I m not sure I believed anything except I can’t sit back and keep going down the path in life. I have to believe its going to be better and I had to believe in me. I believed I could things but wasn’t sure I could do good things. I felt her pain and wanted to do for more for her but I know she heard me. Its time like that I got in my car and prayed and thanked God that I got the chance.  Then I had a long drive back to Dallas where I questioned everything about what I said and did I make a difference. Do I believe in me?

No matter how far I’ve come I still struggle with me. The worst beatings I’ve ever had in my life I administered them to myself. I ask myself and sometimes and I always want to ask others Do you believe in me really? Sure you might say it doesn’t matter what others say. It does  and to know that someone believes in you because their not getting something from you that ,but they believe in you because they see things you can’t is an amazing feeling. Its been a long time since I believed in me and thought I had found what I should be doing. AS this journey continues to push on I ask that you pray for me to continue to believe that I can do this and that lives change because of my story and not me. God put us on this earth to help others and I finally believe  that I may be doing that.





Day 600 Do you believe in me really?

17 09 2014

Trying to protect yourself from your kids and all of the other germ factories in their school is like trying to protect yourself from a rain cloud. We are all three sick. I’m better and now they are sick. With all the booggies, sneezing, Kleenex and washing hands we look like a soap opera.

We all search for the meaning in life. I’m searching for my meaning maybe when I find mine I can help you find yours. I can say I’m about as close as I will ever be. Yesterday I had the opportunity  speak to Brock  high school and Jr, high along with  30 adults.It accounted for around 425 kids.   The sense of being where your supposed to be is so peaceful to me. Sure I get nervous but it’s not for the reasons you think. I could care less what other people think of me, how they judge me or watch someone drop their jaw when I say the things I do. I get nervous because I have one shot to have the words that are needed. I pray to God that I can say the one thing that a kid or adult walks out with and sad that big bald guy said not to do this or do that.  The stories are true and I’m not lying about any of it. I just become peaceful because maybe one child walks away and their life changes and they don’t walk down the path of destruction I did. When you have a path of destruction not only do you hurt yourself but you’re dragging others along your nail ridden path too. You see kids looking at you like what a weirdo but when your done they know that they heard the truth. What they choose to do with it is up to them. When the talks were  over I got to shake a few hands and one girl named Brooke said to me. Do you believe the things you told us? I paused because I knew what I said next mattered. I said without a shadow of a doubt I  believe it and I believe in you. Whatever it is that is causing you confusion or anger you have to believe that it can change. She said I hope so and I have to go to class but thanks for pour your heart out.  I said wow and shook hands with her.

I was there in life and especially that age. I had a life nobody knew of and because the way I was wired I m not sure I believed anything except I can’t sit back and keep going down the path in life. I have to believe its going to be better and I had to believe in me. I believed I could things but wasn’t sure I could do good things. I felt her pain and wanted to do for more for her but I know she heard me. Its time like that I got in my car and prayed and thanked God that I got the chance.  Then I had a long drive back to Dallas where I questioned everything about what I said and did I make a difference. Do I believe in me?

No matter how far I’ve come I still struggle with me. The worst beatings I’ve ever had in my life I administered them to myself. I ask myself and sometimes and I always want to ask others Do you believe in me really? Sure you might say it doesn’t matter what others say. It does  and to know that someone believes in you because their not getting something from you that ,but they believe in you because they see things you can’t is an amazing feeling. Its been a long time since I believed in me and thought I had found what I should be doing. AS this journey continues to push on I ask that you pray for me to continue to believe that I can do this and that lives change because of my story and not me. God put us on this earth to help others and I finally believe  that I may be doing that.





Day 597 What is wrong with you really?

15 09 2014

We did it we completed the busiest weekend ever. From Friday night dance, Saturday flag football game, TCU Football game, birthday shopping, and a Chuck E Cheese birthday we packed a little bit of living in. My kids had a great weekend but my daughter was so tired she fell asleep on the toilet tonight.

What is wrong with you? I ve asked that many times after my first 6 months of divorce and learning what I did about relationships. I can tell you 10 people on Facebook right now that hop from relationship to relationship and yes even marriage to marriage since I ve been divorced. I used to hate being alone and I did that in my 20’s . I was married for 14 and I promise that’s the first thing I wanted to do is find someone to “complete me” (That makes me want to vomit when I hear it). People enhance your life they damn sure can’t complete you when they barley can complete themselves. When we rely on the opposite sex to fulfill our life we will search the rest of our life trying to find “whatever it is we are looking for”. IF WE ARE NOT HAPPY WITH US, WE WILL NEVER AND I MEAN NEVER BE HAPPY WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX. The reason we fail at relationships is for many reasons but the reason we continue to hop to one after another is for many reasons: hurt, or insecure, or very vulnerable, they have  the need of being in a relationship so they can lick the wounds they were dealt, Some people cannot stand to be alone and must have the intimate bond of a relationship. That intimacy is usually more important than choosing the right person, By changing people, they develop new feelings for them, and since there’s only room for so much the old exit, you love to rebound, you think you need sex, you’re a cheater, you love to pass the pain, You love the abuse, emotional, physical or mental. So how do you fix it. If you don’t fix it you will ALWAYS wind up in the same relationship, different name and face but the outcome is always the same. Try me and argue with me and I can show you that you have been dating the same person or married to the same person and we attract whats comfortable. Not whats right.

You see after 2.5 year of counseling I know this is what I’m normally attracted to and I promise one of my friends pointed out that there could be 50,000 great women in Cowboys stadium and you would find that one. She needs to be rescued, shes tall, darker hair, mean, bigger boobs, fake,  bitchy and hollow and will never be truthful.. Every time we go out I have to ask my friends is she mean and bitchy and I always pick her. I could date her but I don’t even ask. It’s comfortable to me and I have been dating that person since I was 15. Not all, but if they were good I pushed them out the door like a bad dog.

How do you stop it. Stop telling people the following, you’re judging me, you have never walked in my shoes, you don’t know me. We are not some mythical creature from a book. Most people are the same. We can sit back and watch your world crumble around you and know whats causing it and you would never know because your to busy telling everyone how wrong they are. We all need help and counseling. We don’t know everything and we cant. We know how to fail at relationship but don’t know how to succeed. I PROMISE ITS NOT ALWAYS THE OTHER PERSONS FAULT. If we have failed at many relationship guess who the common denominator is.

For me I may have gone to far and now I don’t have anyone in my life because I’m to picky. I would rather be safe than sorry. I made a promise to myself to never purposely hurt another woman. I know whats wrong me which is a lot and why would I bring someone into my life that I knowingly know will not work. It’s just stupid and I don’t want to bring tears to another woman’s eyes. I know it takes two but I’m only responsible for me so If I can save “her” from me I will. I don’t need the blind the blind leading the blind anymore.

So now go ahead and attack me and tell you’re a  know it all, and you think your right about this. I was a world-class relationship failure so yeah I made it a goal to change it. If you haven’t even tried to learn leave your crap and hot air at the door. It’s not even worth it. I know everyone has an opinion but that doesn’t mean it needs to be heard. Your reading my blog that I’m not writing about you so if it touches a nerve look in the mirror and you’ll find all the answers you need to right there.

PS I know my grammar and writing style sucks sometimes. I don’t care but I appreciate the feedback. If I go back and correct it Ill change what I wrote. So I’m uncut and unprotected.





Day 597 What is wrong with you really?

14 09 2014

We did it we completed the busiest weekend ever. From Friday night dance, Saturday flag football game, TCU Football game, birthday shopping, and a Chuck E Cheese birthday we packed a little bit of living in. My kids had a great weekend but my daughter was so tired she fell asleep on the toilet tonight.

What is wrong with you? I ve asked that many times after my first 6 months of divorce and learning what I did about relationships. I can tell you 10 people on Facebook right now that hop from relationship to relationship and yes even marriage to marriage since I ve been divorced. I used to hate being alone and I did that in my 20’s . I was married for 14 and I promise that’s the first thing I wanted to do is find someone to “complete me” (That makes me want to vomit when I hear it). People enhance your life they damn sure can’t complete you when they barley can complete themselves. When we rely on the opposite sex to fulfill our life we will search the rest of our life trying to find “whatever it is we are looking for”. IF WE ARE NOT HAPPY WITH US, WE WILL NEVER AND I MEAN NEVER BE HAPPY WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX. The reason we fail at relationships is for many reasons but the reason we continue to hop to one after another is for many reasons: hurt, or insecure, or very vulnerable, they have  the need of being in a relationship so they can lick the wounds they were dealt, Some people cannot stand to be alone and must have the intimate bond of a relationship. That intimacy is usually more important than choosing the right person, By changing people, they develop new feelings for them, and since there’s only room for so much the old exit, you love to rebound, you think you need sex, you’re a cheater, you love to pass the pain, You love the abuse, emotional, physical or mental. So how do you fix it. If you don’t fix it you will ALWAYS wind up in the same relationship, different name and face but the outcome is always the same. Try me and argue with me and I can show you that you have been dating the same person or married to the same person and we attract whats comfortable. Not whats right.

You see after 2.5 year of counseling I know this is what I’m normally attracted to and I promise one of my friends pointed out that there could be 50,000 great women in Cowboys stadium and you would find that one. She needs to be rescued, shes tall, darker hair, mean, bigger boobs, fake,  bitchy and hollow and will never be truthful.. Every time we go out I have to ask my friends is she mean and bitchy and I always pick her. I could date her but I don’t even ask. It’s comfortable to me and I have been dating that person since I was 15. Not all, but if they were good I pushed them out the door like a bad dog.

How do you stop it. Stop telling people the following, you’re judging me, you have never walked in my shoes, you don’t know me. We are not some mythical creature from a book. Most people are the same. We can sit back and watch your world crumble around you and know whats causing it and you would never know because your to busy telling everyone how wrong they are. We all need help and counseling. We don’t know everything and we cant. We know how to fail at relationship but don’t know how to succeed. I PROMISE ITS NOT ALWAYS THE OTHER PERSONS FAULT. If we have failed at many relationship guess who the common denominator is.

For me I may have gone to far and now I don’t have anyone in my life because I’m to picky. I would rather be safe than sorry. I made a promise to myself to never purposely hurt another woman. I know whats wrong me which is a lot and why would I bring someone into my life that I knowingly know will not work. It’s just stupid and I don’t want to bring tears to another woman’s eyes. I know it takes two but I’m only responsible for me so If I can save “her” from me I will. I don’t need the blind the blind leading the blind anymore.

So now go ahead and attack me and tell you’re a  know it all, and you think your right about this. I was a world-class relationship failure so yeah I made it a goal to change it. If you haven’t even tried to learn leave your crap and hot air at the door. It’s not even worth it. I know everyone has an opinion but that doesn’t mean it needs to be heard. Your reading my blog that I’m not writing about you so if it touches a nerve look in the mirror and you’ll find all the answers you need to right there.

 

PS I know my grammar and writing style sucks sometimes. I don’t care but I appreciate the feedback. If I go back and correct it Ill change what I wrote. So I’m uncut and unprotected.





Day 595 Best $50 I ever spent

12 09 2014

Originally posted on My New Life:

I get the best little kids in the world back today. This weekend we have my daughters first 7th grade dance, my son’s first flag football game and then Sunday we are having his Chuck E Cheese birthday party. I used to hate the place but now my kids are getting older I appreciate it more because very soon he wont want to go there and he wont be little anymore. So if you pray, pray for me that place is an adult ADD/ADHD Hell.

I know you’re not supposed to tell people when you do nice things, but I’m sharing this. This morning I’m at the greatest Gas station ever Quik Trip getting gas for myself and I’m always looking for ways to help but  be silent about it. A lady in a red truck pulls up and sometimes you can just tell by the expression and look that…

View original 453 more words





Day 595 Best $50 I ever spent

12 09 2014

I get the best little kids in the world back today. This weekend we have my daughters first 7th grade dance, my son’s first flag football game and then Sunday we are having his Chuck E Cheese birthday party. I used to hate the place but now my kids are getting older I appreciate it more because very soon he wont want to go there and he wont be little anymore. So if you pray, pray for me that place is an adult ADD/ADHD Hell.

I know you’re not supposed to tell people when you do nice things, but I’m sharing this. This morning I’m at the greatest Gas station ever Quik Trip getting gas for myself and I’m always looking for ways to help but  be silent about it. A lady in a red truck pulls up and sometimes you can just tell by the expression and look that there is some hell going on in their life.  I waved which I usually do and she put the gas in the tank and it didn’t go 20 seconds she clicked it off put the gas up and went inside. I peeked around and she had 1.20 in gas in her tank. Gas is 3.35 a gallon means she didn’t get .5 a gallon. So I put the gas back in her car swiped my card and let it start filling up.  In a bit she came back with a can of diet coke and she yelled  hey what are you doing? I said wherever your going your not going to get there on a $1.20. She started baling I mean big tears where you can’t breathe. She jump hugged me and squeezed me so hard. She pulled back and looked me up and down. Then she actually did this: grabbed my goatee and pulled on it like was it real. She said are you an angel. I lol and said far from it sweetie but I was just pulled to do this for you.  I have been there when I needed something or anybody to do something for me. The gas clicked off and I topped it off at $50.00 and stepped back. I gave her hug and I said now you can go wherever you need to. Just when things get better help someone else. She again started crying and told me that she had to get to Tyler to see her son play football and she had never watched him because well she had taken some wrong steps in life and missed out on his life. I asked her how on $1.20 did you plan to get there. She said I prayed to God that he would get me there because I had already missed too much and I couldn’t let him down again. He had gotten me this far so why couldn’t he take me there.

Im half girl so I started crying and told her that this means more to me than it did to her and thank you.  She gave me a kiss on my cheek and said I don’t know who you are but you change lives I feel it. I gave her a $20 and told her to eat and wish her son good luck from Tyler.  All people need is hope and because I didn’t judge and I TRY to live my life for others maybe just maybe that mother son relationship will change.  God didn’t ask me to fix things just stop doing for me and give to others. $50 dollars could change a life and I know today it did for me.





I Used to Judge

10 09 2014

Originally posted on Lessons From the End of a Marriage:

I used to judge.

I’m not proud of it.

But I used to judge those who stayed in abusive relationships.

I criticized the victim for staying put while exclaiming that, were I ever to find myself in a similar situation, I would leave immediately.

It always seemed so clear to me. So cut and dry.

If the victim wasn’t choosing to leave, then they were choosing to be hit.

But that was before I was judged myself.

I wasn’t in an abusive relationship*. But I was played. And I played along. Played the fool. People hear of my situation and wonder how I didn’t know about the marital embezzlement or the double life. I’m criticized for staying unaware.

And you know my first response when I hear those words?

You weren’t there.

You don’t know.

The same words spoken by those that have been in abusive relationships.

It’s so easy…

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