Day 548 A time for the walls to come down dammit

30 07 2014

Why can’t people learn that words are worth nothing with action. Either show up or shut up. I know to many people who tell you exactly what you want to hear. Then you need them and they can never answer the bell. People want help, they want someone to lean on but they don’t want to be let down again, so they stay silent. I hate this more than anything.

So what I said above there is either a time to build walls or tear them down. Walls are necessary for a time to get you through whatever life has for you in this season. Even strong people need walls. They need people to lean on. Only the strong survive but not by yourself. I finished my workout yesterday and laid down face first on the floor and thought what happens when I need someone.. When I want to run away where is that person. I have one person and sometimes you can’t always go to that well. I’ve built up a few walls and I think they are necessary but I have to tear them down. You can’t tear down when all people want to do is beat you with a bat (not really) Im fragile in a few ways now and I need a few people to say their sorry so I can move on. They won’t so I pray and ask God to help with it. While Im listening and waiting do you know how many people in life want you to fail. How they want you take a face first fall onto the concrete. Then stand in front of and tell  you that there sorry that happened but really their happy. I can believe the hate, hurt , anger, holding onto the past in people and have been there but Good God please help them. I couldn’t sleep last night! I tried and I prayed but to no avail.  I know a lot comes from my loneliness but also the walls that people I love or want to love carry is stupefying.

Let it go, your ex spouse, your ex boyfriend,  your parents, your job, or just life in general. Stop putting people on a pedestal. I promise every damn time you do they will fail you. When someone starts tearing down their walls and starts rebuilding their life, stop going back to the person you remember because that person left yesterday. If that makes you comfortable to tear down others go crawl under a rock until God speaks to you or you learn to just shut up.

Okay I feel better now off to counseling!!





Day 548 A time for the walls to come down dammit

30 07 2014

Why can’t people learn that words are worth nothing with action. Either show up or shut up. I know to many people who tell you exactly what you want to hear. Then you need them and they can never answer the bell. People want help, they want someone to lean on but they don’t want to be let down again, so they stay silent. I hate this more than anything.

So what I said above there is either a time to build walls or tear them down. Walls are necessary for a time to get you through whatever life has for you in this season. Even strong people need walls. They need people to lean on. Only the strong survive but not by yourself. I finished my workout yesterday and laid down face first on the floor and thought what happens when I need someone.. When I want to run away where is that person. I have one person and sometimes you can’t always go to that well. I’ve built up a few walls and I think they are necessary but I have to tear them down. You can’t tear down when all people want to do is beat you with a bat (not really) Im fragile in a few ways now and I need a few people to say their sorry so I can move on. They won’t so I pray and ask God to help with it. While Im listening and waiting do you know how many people in life want you to fail. How they want you take a face first fall onto the concrete. Then stand in front of and tell  you that there sorry that happened but really their happy. I can believe the hate, hurt , anger, holding onto the past in people and have been there but Good God please help them. I couldn’t sleep last night! I tried and I prayed but to no avail.  I know a lot comes from my loneliness but also the walls that people I love or want to love carry is stupefying.

Let it go, your ex spouse, your ex boyfriend,  your parents, your job, or just life in general. Stop putting people on a pedestal. I promise every damn time you do they will fail you. When someone starts tearing down their walls and starts rebuilding their life, stop going back to the person you remember because that person left yesterday. If that makes you comfortable to tear down others go crawl under a rock until God speaks to you or you learn to just shut up.

Okay I feel better now off to counseling!!





Day 545 I’m a christian but

28 07 2014

Day 545 I’m a christian but.





Day 545 I’m a christian but

27 07 2014

I usually fill my schedule full when I don’t have my babies. It keeps me front being lonely but also I try to experience life in a different light than when I have my kids. This weekend I kept to myself more than most. I did get out for a bit on Friday and Saturday and saw a great band and caught up with a friend I hadn’t seen in 20 years. He reminded me which I forgot that he paid me a quarter in 6th grade to be his body-guard. How cheap was I? It was a blast and the band was greatness.

When you post or blog things people get an idea of who you are. Or who they think you are. I understand that and even when I’m judged I understand. Last night I was sitting in the tour bus of the band and Im not even sure how it was brought up but she said to me you’re a big Christian guy so I didn’t know you would do that. I kind of got quite and thought what do people really think of me. A really big Christian guy yes physically Im big but Im no different.  Im a christian but the furthest thing from perfect.  If you know me and I would say about 4 people who know me in and out you would know, that I drink a little, cuss, get angry, tell the jokes that people get uncomfortable with, my mind races sexually more than others, and if you have seen me play rugby you know by watching that you would say that guy needs Jesus.  Christians are not perfect (God didn’t make us that way) but what I have done is I’M TRYING to live my life and do whatever I can to be better every day. Some days I fail, some days I’m bitter about my divorce and my family destroyed, my selfish wants and needs to be met, how I want to punch the guy out that cut me off in traffic, I hate being lonely, and I curse God to and ask him why aren’t you listening to me.

What is different about me is that Im honest and try to give back in any way I can. You see my pictures or my posts about what good Im doing and maybe I should take my pictures of my bad so I can prove that yes Im a big Christian but Im littered  with sin like the rest. I tell my story to help others because mostly everyone has or will go through what I have in some way. Never put me on a pedestal or think that guy is so much better because I will let you down, but when I do I will be honest and tell you at least what I did wrong and how Im trying to correct. Thats what makes me different not better.

Im sorry that Christians make you think that we are perfect or not doing anything wrong. We are the worst  and sometimes the biggest hypocrites but as long as we are trying to overcome us then we are doing what God wants us to do. So I hope you liked this blog dammit. I know I’ll work on that.





Day 543 Why these Friday’s are so hard

25 07 2014

I wrote this in May 2013. No matter what these Friday’s always suck!

I m trying to find my purpose and slowly I think I am. I want to serve men and give them hope that they can change. We have all been told people don’t change well that’s the biggest line of crap we have ever been fed. If someone tells you that it’s the hardest thing you will ever do that may not be enough to tell someone. Last night our mens group got deep we finished talking about the Father Wound that all men/ women deal with but either don’t know that have it of if they admit it may sound weak. It got deep and we are all honest and let it all hang out I was relatively quite but then something hit me that I felt I need to say right when we were about to leave. I know a few of you who attack me will say how do you know you affected anyone? Three men cried, got 5 real hugs and Brian my counselor/friend who is also in our group said I have been in ministry 12 years and that was the powerful thing I have heard spoken to a group of men. I can’t recreate it but will give it my best shot.

We all have to face our mistakes either out loud in a blog, in our own silent hell, with a great friend or every Friday afternoon when I have dropped off my kids to go to their moms and I have the turn-key hell. Turn key hell= When I get to my apartment door and I pull my keys out and the feeling of my empty apartment I’m about to walk into without the laughing of my kids, the pushing of my kids, the no cartoons, the i don’t want to eat that, Can I have more, I m bored, I don’t want to brush my teeth and mostly the I love you daddy. It’s the worst feeling in the world and I haven’t got used to that yet. My dog greets me and she looks for the kids and I tell her no Chloe next Friday and she walks over to her bed because she to misses them. There is no women to say how was your day, the smell of a women, the we need to do this, can you go do this or a hug or kiss. So I put the key in the door and every time I hope for a different feeling but I have to stop when the door closes behind me take a deep breath and realize this is the hell you created. The great thing is I have the feeling because I will remember it. You can’t tell a women she is worthless, a bi%^h, c&(t, you don’t do this for me, or this how could you do this and not expect her to walk away. Yes I know she was guilty as well but I can only talk about me.  So men if you don’t deal with your crap, ego, your pride,  you fear and she leaves you. It was due you got what you deserved. Man up there are to many resources for you to have to say at 60 or 25 I’m sorry for what I didn’t do, because it can be done. Or keep doing what you’re doing, be separated from your kids, have the hollow empty feeling of loss that can only be stitched up, and go into the empty, quite, lonely hell that you created. It will happen you’re not one of the stats that gets away with it. I can promise that the Friday turn-key hell is worse than any hell she supposedly has put you through.

That was it in a nutshell. I don’t want anyone to feel that you can change and you can restore.

 

Day 124 Friday turn key hell.





Day 540 Maybe I am a jerk

22 07 2014

Texas weather is always something to love and hate. Last week we had a polar vortex putting temps in the 80’s which is heaven. This week its 100 with 90% humidity. Its like your swimming when you walk. You go outside and sweat so much you smell like  a wet dog. I guess its wet dog for the next 60 days.

This will probably come across as whining so sorry but it’s becoming the truth. I’m beginning to think that honesty is not the best policy. Please don’t tell me you just need to be around different people. These are good people I’m telling the truth to. I’ve also learned that it’s how you say it. Some things you just  can’t put  a different way you just let them be said. I’m not a jerk, I’m a very honest, caring heartfelt person. I’m sick of feeling like a fool, the one whose always wrong, that I’m not strong, or a liar in disguise. People want honesty until it affects them. People can always pour it out but never pour it in.

I know people can live without me and vice versa. I know that every single person that has come and gone was there to teach me something. Some I know the lesson, some I didn’t and thought they were meaningless. I will never stop being honesty. I lived a life of lies and non words and it wrecked me. Just remember if you leave I can’t waste time and be taken advantage of because I’m a nice guy who has changed. Things could have been on what Might have been , standing on reason, arguing over different things. So if your leave you better get going on. It maybe for a short time or forever.

Just know I want you in my life but if we part ways there are no hard feelings I understand just don’t ask me to tell you anything but the truth. Sorry I whined, I get to write this blog and this is how i felt today.





Day 538 I miss her so much

21 07 2014

My babies are back and that means overdrive. We went to Top Golf on Friday night. If you have never been its great entertainment and a great way to get a taste for golf. My kids were really good and embarrassed me just a tad. We also volunteered at a Harley Davidson dealership for a bikini contest. We were the hands and feet but I must say it was easy for me to volunteer for  this one  :)

I miss you and everything about you! She is inviting.She is vulnerable. She is tender. She embodies mercy. She is also fierce and fiercely devoted. As the old saying goes, “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.Life changes dramatically when romance comes into our lives.  Married people sometimes envy the single life and I promise single people envy the married. To have someone to just be sitting in a room with you. The non verbal ques that let you know what she’s thinking. Last night hanging out with some oh my boys we talked about being single. I told a couple of my boys that I missed her (which is the above) and they both looked at me and said I didn’t know you were dating. I said I’m not but (her) is the one I want. It’s not a girl I’m dating but the one I’m looking for. I miss the thought of who she is. You never appreciate a women like that until she is gone. A woman like that is what can make a man tick. I will find her and it wont be just because of her looks but because she is Tender and inviting, intimate and alluring, fiercely devoted and loving self,that men will be jealous. Wherever you are I miss you and I can’t wait to find you.








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