Day 691 Your dreams are really stupid

18 12 2014

The time approaches for the big, jolly, guy in the red suit to pack his sleigh. Well this guy is finished shopping and all presents are wrapped. I love this time of year so much and what we can do for others. Please adopt someone and bless them. $50 dollars of gifts to some is an equal to $1000 for us. Just do something for someone else. The need is great and you need it too.

Writing this blog is hard because every dream I had been shattered by my own doing. I had many dreams some selfish but some that could have changed my part of  the world. Dreams are what make life tolerable. It’s why we get up some-days, when we feel so low its the one thing that can make us get  out of bed and just put our feet on the floor.  Just the excitement of knowing we are going to accomplish something that we thought we couldn’t do. Like I said all my previous dreams were shattered but the good thing is my life was spared and I’m starting to dream again. Not only for me, but my kids but others too. When you ask someone their dream and the spark comes back in their eye you know that you can help. Dreams are accomplished by having goals, someone to push u when you fall down, grabbing you by the hand and picking you up off the floor, and celebrating each milestone of your goal. I true believe that I’m here to help you be a dream catcher. May sound corny but when I can help I want to. Which brings me to yesterday:

I was in a coffee shop listening to two women talk. I heard more blah blah, but then this lady said you know what I dream about… A craft shop for women that have never had the time or money because of whatever life threw  at them.. It would have childcare and that all the supplies would be donated. You could see in her eyes that she had thought about it a lot and I was like how cool. Then her “friend” said to her that is one really stupid dream. I almost fell out of my chair.  the look on the woman’s face was total defeat. I continued to listen the reasons it wouldn’t work then I should have minded my own business but I didn’t. I said if your her friend why would you kill her dream. You should be encouraging her. I said because your’re a coward and you stopped dreaming doesn’t mean others have. I told the lady that her dream was awesome and go bless those other women. I put my ear buds in and I didn’t hear anything else. They left before I did and I thought what a crappy day that lady is going to have. When I got up and left they were in the parking lot talking. I went and opened my door and I got a tap on my shoulder. Sir, I’m not sure who you are but thank you. I knew my friend was going to shoot down my idea but you gave me hope, I told her don’t let anyone kill your dream and I expect to see your shop around in 2015. I got a hug and she left.

Don’t you dare kill someones dream. Just because it’s not yours doesn’t make it wrong. If they have the courage and you don’t then encourage them. Life is about hopes and dreams and doing what people say is impossible. If you stop dreaming you die. Here’s to life.





Day 691 Your dreams are really stupid

18 12 2014

The time approaches for the big, jolly, guy in the red suit to pack his sleigh. Well this guy is finished shopping and all presents are wrapped. I love this time of year so much and what we can do for others. Please adopt someone and bless them. $50 dollars of gifts to some is an equal to $1000 for us. Just do something for someone else. The need is great and you need it too.

Writing this blog is hard because every dream I had been shattered by my own doing. I had many dreams some selfish but some that could have changed my part of  the world. Dreams are what make life tolerable. It’s why we get up some-days, when we feel so low its the one thing that can make us get  out of bed and just put our feet on the floor.  Just the excitement of knowing we are going to accomplish something that we thought we couldn’t do. Like I said all my previous dreams were shattered but the good thing is my life was spared and I’m starting to dream again. Not only for me, but my kids but others too. When you ask someone their dream and the spark comes back in their eye you know that you can help. Dreams are accomplished by having goals, someone to push u when you fall down, grabbing you by the hand and picking you up off the floor, and celebrating each milestone of your goal. I true believe that I’m here to help you be a dream catcher. May sound corny but when I can help I want to. Which brings me to yesterday:

I was in a coffee shop listening to two women talk. I heard more blah blah, but then this lady said you know what I dream about… A craft shop for women that have never had the time or money because of whatever life threw  at them.. It would have childcare and that all the supplies would be donated. You could see in her eyes that she had thought about it a lot and I was like how cool. Then her “friend” said to her that is one really stupid dream. I almost fell out of my chair.  the look on the woman’s face was total defeat. I continued to listen the reasons it wouldn’t work then I should have minded my own business but I didn’t. I said if your her friend why would you kill her dream. You should be encouraging her. I said because your’re a coward and you stopped dreaming doesn’t mean others have. I told the lady that her dream was awesome and go bless those other women. I put my ear buds in and I didn’t hear anything else. They left before I did and I thought what a crappy day that lady is going to have. When I got up and left they were in the parking lot talking. I went and opened my door and I got a tap on my shoulder. Sir, I’m not sure who you are but thank you. I knew my friend was going to shoot down my idea but you gave me hope, I told her don’t let anyone kill your dream and I expect to see your shop around in 2015. I got a hug and she left.

Don’t you dare kill someones dream. Just because it’s not yours doesn’t make it wrong. If they have the courage and you don’t then encourage them. Life is about hopes and dreams and doing what people say is impossible. If you stop dreaming you die. Here’s to life.





Day 687 Im sorry to my babies

15 12 2014

Another amazing volunteering experience today for Rock Bottom Outreach. We served meals at Beautiful Feet Ministries. It’s a homeless ministry. We served 237 meals at breakfast and 181 at dinner. It’s so good to help and the appreciation that the people showed us. We cooked over 20 dozen eggs today so I’m not really hungry for eggs for a long time.

I’m sorry is something as parents that we are not good at telling our kids. It a crucial part of being a successful parent. There is no manual to parenting. We usually learn from our parents which can be both good and bad. Just because we’re a parent and we say so doesn’t mean were not wrong. We have to let our kids know its okay to make mistakes and we blow it. Once we do we cannot be so prideful and not let our kids know we blew it. Now try  it being a single parent.

If you have never been a single parent I hope it never happens to you. Also please don’t tell someone you understand because you have a friend or family member that is a single parent. I did that in my past life and its in the moments that you don’t see is when you don’t understand being a single parent. It’s those moments we have to apologise for. Don’t say your sorry for the other parent either. It’s not your job if the other parent did something that’s their burden let them handle it. Here is what I have and will  say Im sorry for.

To my babies: I’m sorry for the divorce and you know that but Im sorry that you have two homes, Im sorry you cant have your stuff in one place, that your friends parents who are married  don’t understand what its like to be divorced, that you have a harder time because I’m a single dad having your friends spend the night with me than your mom. People just think differently when you a dad than single when you’re a single mom. Im sorry that were in an apartment still but we will have a house soon. I’m sorry I cant cook as good as your mom, the crock-pot is our friend. Im  sorry I don’t understand girl stuff but I try, I don’t understand makeup but I know you aren’t wearing a lot, I don’t understand bras, panties but I know you’re wearing them,  the clothes I pick for you, the times I remind you about deodorant and how you need to carry yourself I’m only sorry I tell you so many times but its only because I know whats best for you. I hug you both all the time and tell I love you 100 times a day and I’m sorry that I don’t tell you 150 times a day. I’m sorry I lost my temper when you dropped your cup of water on the carpet because it didn’t mean anything. I’m sorry I seem overwhelmed at times, I struggle to know Im a great daddy and when I feel Im not you can see it in my face. When we are about to walk out the door in the morning for school and you still have toothpaste on your face and your breakfast on your shirt I have to sound frustrated and you ask why its such a big deal. Im sorry after I thought I explained something so well and you tell me you don’t understand I get upset. Im sorry I don’t have someone to share my life with and I cant explain it but I don’t want to have to say Im sorry if I screw it up again. I tell you Im sorry because I want you to know how much I love you and I would die for both of you at any time. Im sorry for the mistakes I make but not the effort because you have no idea how important it is to me to be the best daddy for you both. I hope your see it and know that your both mean the world to me and I will never be sorry for that.





Day 687 Im sorry to my babies

14 12 2014

Another amazing volunteering experience today for Rock Bottom Outreach. We served meals at Beautiful Feet Ministries. It’s a homeless ministry. We served 237 meals at breakfast and 181 at dinner. It’s so good to help and the appreciation that the people showed us. We cooked over 20 dozen eggs today so I’m not really hungry for eggs for a long time.

I’m sorry is something as parents that we are not good at telling our kids. It a crucial part of being a successful parent. There is no manual to parenting. We usually learn from our parents which can be both good and bad. Just because were a parent and we say so doesn’t mean were not wrong. We have to let our kids know its okay to make mistakes and we blow. Once we do we cannot be so prideful and not let our kids know we blew it. No take it being a single parent.

If you have never been a single parent I hope it never happens to you. Also please don’t tell someone you understand because you have a friend or family member that is a single parent. I did that in my past life and its in the moments that you don’t see is when you don’t understand being a single parent. It’s those moments we have to apologise for. Don’t say your sorry for the other parent either. It’s not your job if the other parent did something that’s their burden let them handle it. Here is what I have and will to say Im sorry for.

To my babies: I’m sorry for the divorce and you know that but Im sorry that you have two homes, Im sorry you cant have your stuff in one place, that your friends parents who are married  don’t understand what its like to be divorced, that you have a harder time because I’m a single dad having your friends spend the night with me than your mom. People just think differently when you a dad than single when you a mom. Im sorry that were in an apartment still but we will have a house soon. I’m sorry I cant cook as good as your mom, the crock-pot is our friend. Im  sorry I don’t understand girl stuff but I try, I don’t understand makeup but I know you aren’t wearing a lot, I don’t understand bras, panties but I know you’re wearing them,  the clothes I pick for you, the times I remind you about deodorant and how you need to carry yourself I’m only sorry I tell you so many times but its only because I know whats best for you. I hug you both all the time and tell I love you 100 times a day and I’m sorry that I don’t tell you 150 times a day. I’m sorry I lost my temper when you dropped your cup of water on the carpet because it didn’t mean anything. I’m sorry I seem overwhelmed at times, I struggle to know Im a great daddy and when I feel Im not you can see it in my face. When we are about to walk out the door in the morning for school and you still have toothpaste on your face and your breakfast on your shirt I have to sound frustrated and you ask why its such a big deal. Im sorry after I thought I explained something so well and you tell you don’t understand I get upset. Im sorry I don’t have someone to share my life with and I cant explain it but I don’t want to have to say Im sorry if I screw it up again. I tell you Im sorry because I want you to know how much I love you and I would die for both of you at any time. Im sorry for the mistakes I make but not the effort because you have no idea how important it is to me to be the best daddy for you both. I hope your see it and know that your both mean the world to me and I will never be sorry for that.





Day 683 what did you say the last time you talked to him

10 12 2014

Watching and listening to children grow and believe in themselves is truly an awe-inspiring experience. Last night I went to my daughters Christmas Choir concert. She did amazing and she sounds better than in September. Just watching them all look more confident and listening to Silent night made me so happy. If we blink we miss it so I kept my eyes open last night.

I mentioned in my last blog I was on a Christian radio show in Denver Colorado the past two nights. It went amazing and I was so thankful for the opportunity to share my testimony and how the redemption was happening now. I had many friends and others I had no idea about tune in and listen but the one person that tuned in and made me nervous was my mom. She had never heard my testimony and never really knew my past and things that came with that. I wasn’t embarrassed because I’m past that point but I was nervous for her because I didn’t want her to blame herself for my stupidity.Like any good mom she did blame herself but was very open to what happened and was very proud of where I was and the courage I had to talk about my missteps. We talked about many things and truthfully I was emotionally spent and ready to get off the phone then she asked me a question I really wasn’t ready for.  What did you and your dad talk about the last time you talked to him before he died. I gulped, why do you ask mom? She said your dad said it was between you and him and that’s where it needed to stay. I sat there silent and she said are you still there? Yes mom I just haven’t opened that box in a long time. I told her that he apologized to me for the way he treated you, that he was so sorry that he gave up on himself, he made me promise that no matter what I did to protect and serve your sister and mom, that he was so happy the day I was born, to make sure to have another child and he would be a boy, and he wished that he was half the man I had become. At that moment I started crying telling my mom and then I stopped. To this day and it will probably stay quiet within me until I can tell my son there are 3 other things that are best left between my dad and I. My mom doesn’t need to know because she wouldn’t understand and I guess its my treasure that I can continue to unwrap in my mind until its time to present it to my son. No matter what happened between my dad and I he left me with a lifetime memory and thought. I appreciate that talk we had so much more that I forgave him and now I hear what he was telling me. That was the last time I talked to my dad and one week later he slipped into a coma and I never saw him alive again. So is there a point to  this blog. Forgiveness allows you to see things in the light they were meant. It allows your heart to open and love moments that only come along once.  I’m following what he asked of me to the very best I can. He was right have another child and he was a boy, serve and protect your mom and sister and I’m doing my best with that. Mostly what I’m doing is loving my dad more than I ever have.





Day 683 what did you say the last time you talked to him

10 12 2014

Watching and listening to children grow and believe in themselves is truly an awe-inspiring experience. Last night I went to my daughters Christmas Choir concert. She did amazing and she sounds better than in September. Just watching them all look more confident and listening to Silent night made me so happy. If we blink we miss it so I kept my eyes open last night.

I mentioned in my last blog I was on a Christian radio show in Denver Colorado the past two nights. It went amazing and I was so thankful for the opportunity to share my testimony and how the redemption was happening now. I had many friends and others I had no idea about tune in and listen but the one person that tuned in and made me nervous was my mom. She had never heard my testimony and never really knew my past and things that came with that. I wasn’t embarrassed because I’m past that point but I was nervous for her because I didn’t want her to blame herself for my stupidity.Like any good mom she did blame herself but was very open to what happened and was very proud of where I was and the courage I had to talk about my missteps. We talked about many things and truthfully I was emotionally spent and ready to get off the phone then she asked me a question I really wasn’t ready for.  What did you and your dad talk about the last time you talked to him before he died. I gulped, why do you ask mom? She said your dad said it was between you and him and that’s where it needed to stay. I sat there silent and she said are you still there? Yes mom I just haven’t opened that box in a long time. I told her that he apologized to me for the way he treated you, that he was so sorry that he gave up on himself, he made me promise that no matter what I did to protect and serve your sister and mom, that he was so happy the day I was born, to make sure to have another child and he would be a boy, and he wished that he was half the man I had become. At that moment I started crying telling my mom and then I stopped. To this day and it will probably stay quiet within me until I can tell my son there are 3 other things that are best left between my dad and I. My mom doesn’t need to know because she wouldn’t understand and I guess its my treasure that I can continue to unwrap in my mind until its time to present it to my son. No matter what happened between my dad and I he left me with a lifetime memory and thought. I appreciate that talk we had so much more that I forgave him and now I hear what he was telling me. That was the last time I talked to my dad and one week later he slipped into a coma and I never saw him alive again. So is there a point to  this blog. Forgiveness allows you to see things in the light they were meant. It allows your heart to open and love moments that only come along once.  I’m following what he asked of me to the very best I can. He was right have another child and he was a boy, serve and protect your mom and sister and I’m doing my best with that. Mostly what I’m doing is loving my dad more than I ever have.





Day 680 You have to forgive yourself for Friday night

8 12 2014

The holidays are here and we went to the ballet, yes I took my kids to see the Nutcracker. It was so cool and the work they put in is amazing. My kids enjoyed it. I’m getting cultured in my seasoned age. Remember to give, it makes your heart feel like it works better.

For all my peeps that would like to listen about my testimony and where I am at now. I will be on Power Christian talk out of Denver, Colorado this Monday and Tuesday evening. . Here are all the ways to listen.PART 1 … Will be played Monday, Dec. 8th at 7pm mtn / 8pm cst on AM 810 KLVZ … Peeps can listen all over the world online at 810KLVZ.com or on any smart phone or iPad … There’s an app called Tune In Radio … It’s like a DVR .. you can record the show and listen later.PART 1 will also play again on AM 670 KLTT at 8pm mtn / 9pm cst same way on listening …670KLTT.com or by Tune In Radio. PART 2 … same schedule but on Tuesday, Dec. 9th

I never had a clue about forgiveness. I knew the word but that’s it. I committed all of these things crappy acts in life and had no idea what to do with them. One of the toughest lessons about forgiveness is that you cannot forgive someone else unless you can forgive yourself. I heard twice this week that God doesn’t forgive people like me. I know that’s one of the biggest lies that satan teaches BUT its one of the toughest things to learn.Here is my list and the list of things that I’ve heard people say can’t be forgiven on Friday night or any night: The hate I had for my parent, the words I spoke to my spouse, the wreck I caused, my divorce, the way I ignored my children, how drunk I was and made an ass out of myself, the things I sold to get my drugs, the death I caused, the women I abandoned after I had sex with them, every lie I told, How many people I used on my way to my goals, the anger I used on everyone, I can’t love anymore, the way I abused myself, how I trust nobody, these are just a few of thousands. I do a lot of self evaluating many would say too much. No matter where I’m at with God I really suck at forgiving myself. This has been a realization that I have just discovered in myself. No matter what I thought I had done I haven’t forgiven myself for the pain I brought into the lives of my kids. I push so hard to be a great dad I miss a the small things. I beat myself up and haven’t forgiven me for all the things I did to women. Therefore I  have a hard time loving and trusting. That’s a lie I don’t love or trust at all.  Sure there are things I have forgiven but many I haven’t.I wont bore you with more. The only advice I can give and work on is prayer and actually listening to those around me. If it was just easy to do it I would. I refuse to hurt anyone else so I stick to myself which maybe wrong to,but I don’t want to hurt others like I did before. I just ask for prayer and know I pray for many of you that read this. Life is a journey and this is my long narrow road right now, Tune in tomorrow and listen to my story and redemption.








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