Day 584 Lights are on but your not home

1 09 2014

My kids are growing up in front of me and so many times I miss them because I’m worrying about what I’m not doing right. Saturday I caught one. My kids were laughing out loud  about our dog and the voices I do for her. They both looked at me and laughed which is the best sound but My daughter just said thank you and my son said your cool daddy even though your chest is hairy. Well moments like that can stay with you for a while.

I don’t have much to blog about tonight because I have too much on my mind. This song by Staind called Realty is a very deep and thought-provoking song. I know someone reading this might need the words to get through. Music always speaks to my soul and here’s to your soul!!

The lights are on
But you’re not home
You’ve drifted off
Somewhere alone
Somewhere that’s safe
No questions here
A quiet place
Where you hide from your fears

Sometimes when you’re out of rope
The way to climb back up is clear
The walls you build around yourself
I guess they also keep you here
Are you afraid of what they think?
Whoever they happen to be
Or are you hiding from the scars of
Your own reality?

So you sedate
And drown in vain
You’ve got a pill
For every day
A suit and tie
To mask the truth
It’s ugly head
Is starting to show through

Sometimes when you’re out of rope
The way to climb back up’s unclear
The walls you build around yourself
I guess they also keep you here
Are you afraid of what they think?
Whoever they happen to be
Or are you hiding from the scars of
Your own reality?

The monster you’re feeding
Your lack of perception
The things that you do
To fulfill your addictions
The light at the end
Of your tunnel is closing
What is it that you’re so
Afraid of exposing?
You’d give it all up for
What’s there for the taking
Whatever it takes to
Keep your hands from shaking
The same things you’re thinking
Might make you feel better
The same things that probably
Got you here

Sometimes when you’re out of rope
The way to climb back up’s unclear
The walls you build around yourself
I guess they also keep you here
Are you afraid of what they think?
Whoever they happen to be
Or are you hiding from the scars of
Your own reality?

The monster you’re feeding
Your lack of perception
The things that you do
To fulfill your addictions
(Your own reality)
The light at the end
Of your tunnel is closing
What is it that you’re so
Afraid of exposing?
(Your own reality)
You’d give it all up for
What’s there for the taking
Whatever it takes to
Keep your hands from shaking
(Your own reality)
The same things you’re thinking
Might make you feel better
The same things that probably
Got you here

 





Day 582 You cant be both parents

31 08 2014

Day 582 You cant be both parents.





Day 582 You cant be both parents

30 08 2014

My kids both finished their first week of school. My daughter started 7th grade and my son kindergarten. When I picked them up yesterday they had so much to tell me and I can understand why they were exhausted. I was just listening and was tired. My son said that being in kindergarten was going to make him a man. That is funny and I think he believes it.

When I hear a parent say I have to be both my either mom or dad I cringe. I understand what you’re trying to say but you have to stop saying. I cannot be a mom and if your female you can’t be a dad. It’s impossible because you have no clue what its like to be the other sex or what its supposed to be like. You can read all you want but its impossible.  It’s like asking a white person to be a black person you can’t do it.That’s because we need different things from each parent, and while many of us make it through childhood just fine without a father, it doesn’t lessen the yearning for one, or fill the hole caused by his absence. I’ll speak for just me here: Fatherlessness hurts sons and daughters, of course. But I’m focusing on males for several reasons. (1) Our culture spends enough time on women and girls and not nearly enough on boys and men. (2) Males are different from females in that they have a propensity to act out on their personal pain, and society suffers as a result. Women’s pain is more internally focused. (3) Boys are ‘men in the making’ and are therefore harmed by fatherlessness in a primal and unique way.The reality is, woman can’t be Dad. No matter how much u love you son, You can never identify with his masculinity. U can’t know or feel it the way his father can. U can’t teach your son what it means to be a man. U can’t help him navigate puberty the way U can your daughter. Boys need men. I understand that many men aren’t in their kids life but you a mom and only a mom. If you tell your child that I’m the dad your telling him that you are doing what a man can for him and that’s false and always will be.

Im caring, loving, a giver, and I know what a woman needs from a mans perspective but how dare I think that I could ever replace her mom because Im the other parent. There are things that a woman goes through that I could never understand. I could read about it,  ask women, but I just can’t do it. I truly believe that  if men would step up and be fathers 75% of the problems in the world would be fixed. Just because the other parent is missing doesn’t mean you are the other parent. Just look at your own life and see the absence of the parent that was missing and how hard and emotional that was. Im sure I’ll get a lot of push-back but ask counselors, teachers, coaches what the problems are and its the parent that’s missing not the one that’s there. Just keep doing what you do as mother or father. Its hard enough just doing that and your great at doing that.





Day 572 I know I hurt my children with our divorce

25 08 2014

Day 572 I know I hurt my children with our divorce.





Day 572 I know I hurt my children with our divorce

25 08 2014

Day 572 I know I hurt my children with our divorce.





Day 572 I know I hurt my children with our divorce

24 08 2014

I got to do my first speaking to high school students yesterday . Such a great day. The school is inner city and I was worried what I had to say wouldn’t really apply. It went off great and our team of speakers is something Im truly proud of .

Last night I was coming home and had one of those moments that stay with you for a while. I was coming up Hwy 35 going home and on the opposite side of the road you could see a car was on fire. It had just started  and since in flight or fight I always fight. I was trying to figure out where to park/ what to do to help call 911 etc.. When I pull up the car has a small explosion Im guessing the gas tank is on fire and then I look about 20 yards down the road and there are horses everywhere. There is also a truck and trailer overturned but then I see 3 people giving CPR to a man around my age right in the middle of the highway. Nobody had answers to anything and there was no emergency personal on site yet. I went as close as I could to the car on fire to see if there was a body but no and then I just came back and watched this lady perform CPR. She was working so hard but the guy still wasn’t breathing . I kind of caught my mind and went to gather the horses back up. I got one and tied it to the trailer but I couldn’t help but think of the guy. I have no idea if he died but for some reason I put myself as that guy and hoped more than anything that he lived and hope many people loved him. I have no idea what caused me to think  that but man it was so surreal.

When you get divorced and you have children Im not sure you ever know  the true pain it causes your children. They have emotion and feelings that they have no idea how to tell you about and usually they don’t come out until there older and the anger and bitterness is revealed with it. If I could change it I would and now I know that there are things that will come up over time and I just have to learn to deal with them in the right way. Friday morning I had no idea what to do. I was trying to get Brayden dressed since somehow he got his shirt on but it was inside out and backwards. While i was helping he said Dad are you coming to my first day of school on Monday? I said you know it I wouldn’t miss it. He said no are you coming with mommy. I said yes we will both be there. He said no daddy will you be there married to mommy. I m so glad there wasn’t a picture  of my face because Im sure it was like I was about to throw up. I stood up because I was about to cry and  sat down on the floor with him and explained about his mom and I also told him I was sorry which is the first time I told him that about our divorce.. I then let him play and walked into my bathroom and cried like a child. To know that age 3 when we got divorced I left a scar on him that deep. At 5 years old that he was able to tell me that was incredible. When we were ready to leave the house he looked at me said its okay daddy just be there Monday okay.

I saw all of this to tell you. That no matter what you think divorce will scare your kids. If you can do anything to save your marriage do it. It takes work and letting go of a lot of things. Kids don’t want to see their parents in a bad marriage either but they will remember good or bad. My job and our job as parents is to always have open lines of communication and take responsibility for your marriage mistakes so hopefully our kids wont repeat them.





Day 568 2 years divorced tomorrow

20 08 2014

I had the best vacation I can remember.  My whole family went that included my mother, sister nephew, my kids and myself. We haven’t done that since I was 10. I worried with all of us with ADD in the car we would smack each other repeatedly. I can say it was so much better than I cold have thought. One of the coolest thing and a side I had never seen of my mom is that she rode every ride we did at Schiltterbahn water park.. She has Parkinson’s and said she can still do everything she used to. It surprised us but it shouldn’t she one’s one f the greatest women God every created. She is an example for any woman to follow and I just got lucky enough to call her my mom. We even got a few pics which made me happy and its memories I can’t forget.

At 9:10 August 20 2012 I was divorced in the Denton County Courthouse.  It was a day I was so ready for but yet had no clue how to feel, what to do or who to tell.  I wanted our marriage to stay together for our kids but I promise it was best for both of them that we go our own ways.  When everything changes in life you either go to ways together or apart. We were the unlucky ones who couldn’t keep it together and that morning sitting next to her I felt like every single memory good or bad just rushed at me in a 5 minute span. People think when they file papers that they are divorced. i will argue with you until you actually hear the gavel hot the desk and its over you truly don’t understand what its like to be divorced. 4 1/2 minutes and 14 years of a part of my life ended quicker than it  began. I walked out that morning weak kneed and sick at my stomach. Why for something you know you wanted and needed so bad could make you feel so empty and alone.

Lets fast forward to today. I would love for my kids sake for them to be together and in a healthy home. It didn’t happen but here’s what did. I still fall short, Im still lonely, not always sure of myself but because I was divorced: Im a better man, MAN being the key word, Im not a little boy searching for something that I won’t find, Im a better christian man, Im a better giver, better man for the next woman who gives me a chance to prove that to her, Im honest, Im humble, I see pain and have true compassion for people who before I could have cared less about. Im vulnerable, I protect the ones I love, and the biggest thing Im a great daddy. My children are my world and I know that their chance of succeeding in life is far better today and Im an actual example that they can be proud of.

You see sometimes no matter how much you loved or thought you were loved two people cannot be married. We fell in love early and grew apart not because of the other one but because we needed to find something in us that we were missing.  We didn’t come into each others life because we weren’t supposed to be there we were and learn from each other. I know we both did that and even though we have our differences I think we can both say that we better for being together for 14 years. We work together for our kids and there’s not much more one can ask of the other. Two years ago I was a weak kneed, empty soled boy who was so lost but today I have a soul and its a bright burning light not only for me but any others that care to have a piece of me. Thank you for always reading and following my journey. It’s funny because I hated writing and now I am a writer because I was divorced.








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