Day 640 Sometimes there are no answers

29 10 2014

My babies and I spent about 1.5 looking for Halloween costumes. I would rather snipe hunt  all day than do that again. If you’re not sure what snipe hunting in Google it then go do it. It’s very relaxing. We are going as Sonic the hedge hog and a nerd fairy. I’m not sure what a nerd fairy is but as a friend of mine said put wings on anything. So there you go.

Today was a rough day: We buried the ashes of a family member that committed suicide last Sunday. After my divorce I have place in my heart for death of any kind that I never had before. I cry, I hurt, I feel for those that grieve, I put myself in those shoes. I especially grieve for those dealing with suicide. The family is left with a lifetime of guilt and wander. The kids are left with a feeling of no worth, no love and a void that can never be filled. I talked to our family member its been a month ago. He called out of the blue from an unknown number. He asked a lot of questions and I gave him so resources. I told him I would do anything for him. Just ask. I would hold his hand, drive him anywhere etc.. his mind was already made up on that call. I hoped he would call me again but I knew when my mom called and just mentioned his name what had happened.

I wont rant about suicide and the ignorance in folks or the little they know about it.  How weak someone is etc… Here’s what I will tell you. The person that commits suicide or attempts it is trying to do us a favor. The have lost every bit of worth, love, fake emotion, and heroism from their   body. they are a dead person walking. The worst part is that our minds are like weapons. They can be so powerful for good but can also destroy in which they do with suicide. People that commit suicide don’t want to they think they are doing us a favor and get them out of your life.Your world would be better without them. If they only knew. Today I counted 208 people at the funeral. If some how we could gather the love we have for someone video it and sending to the hurting then it may stop someone. No  guarantees but they mattered and so do you.

I used to be one ” of those people who based people who committed or attempted suicide. I would talk about how weak they were, coward and stupid. They had damned themselves to hell. All because I didn’t understand suicide. Well the Karma train stopped by train station August 27th 2011. As many of you know I had lost “EVERYTHING” I thought was important. I had finally crossed that line and decided the world and my family, friends and anyone else was better without me. I had written the letter, and at 9:58 pm I sat at he Top of a hill in Aubrey Texas and was ready to make that trip that everyone else deserved. I got lucky that day. I didn’t deserve to live, I was a coward, weak, and stupid and I knew. One rushing thought of my kids and I just stopped everything. Why did I deserve that day to stay alive. Maybe I did want to live and I was looking for attention. Nobody knew of my plan so that wasn’t true. Or maybe I just had it with me and all I failed to do and see, that I lost all control and self-worth, and nobody loved me. What a lie it was! I got lucky!

Today I take that broken man, who has a relationship with God and is truer to everyone he is around and I try to change lives. I hurt, grieve, I smile, I love like I never have. I tell me story to those that want to hear it and those that don’t. My story may change lives or a life. If you get a second chance its time to pay up and do whatever you can to help someone in need. I promise they are around you right now. People screaming out in the quiet for a face, a hand, or an encouraging word. Chris you are loved yesterday, today and tomorrow. You are gone but because of you and many others I will press on and hope that I can catch them the moment before and let them see that they are loved and worthy. Sometimes there are no answers but sometimes there are. Walk outside of yourself and live for someone else. You’ll be glad you did.





Day 640 Sometimes there are no answers

28 10 2014

My babies and I spent about 1.5 looking for Halloween costumes. I would rather snipe hunt  all day than do that again. If you’re not sure what snipe hunting in Google it then go do it. It’s very relaxing. We are going as Sonic the hedge hog and a nerd fairy. I’m not sure what a nerd fairy is but as a friend of mine said put wings on anything. So there you go.

Today was a rough day: We buried the ashes of a family member that committed suicide last Sunday. After my divorce I have place in my heart for death of any kind that I never had before. I cry, I hurt, I feel for those that grieve, I put myself in those shoes. I especially grieve for those dealing with suicide. The family is left with a lifetime of guilt and wander. The kids are left with a feeling of no worth, no love and a void that can never be filled. I talked to our family member its been a month ago. He called out of the blue from an unknown number. He asked a lot of questions and I gave him so resources. I told him I would do anything for him. Just ask. I would hold his hand, drive him anywhere etc.. his mind was already made up on that call. I hoped he would call me again but I knew when my mom called and just mentioned his name what had happened.

I wont rant about suicide and the ignorance in folks or the little they know about it.  How weak someone is etc… Here’s what I will tell you. The person that commits suicide or attempts it is trying to do us a favor. The have lost every bit of worth, love, fake emotion, and heroism from their   body. they are a dead person walking. The worst part is that our minds are like weapons. They can be so powerful for good but can also destroy in which they do with suicide. People that commit suicide don’t want to they think they are doing us a favor and get them out of your life.Your world would be better without them. If they only knew. Today I counted 208 people at the funeral. If some how we could gather the love we have for someone video it and sending to the hurting then it may stop someone. No  guarantees but they mattered and so do you.

I used to be one ” of those people who based people who committed or attempted suicide. I would talk about how weak they were, coward and stupid. They had damned themselves to hell. All because I didn’t understand suicide. Well the Karma train stopped by train station August 27th 2011. As many of you know I had lost “EVERYTHING” I thought was important. I had finally crossed that line and decided the world and my family, friends and anyone else was better without me. I had written the letter, and at 9:58 pm I sat at he Top of a hill in Aubrey Texas and was ready to make that trip that everyone else deserved. I got lucky that day. I didn’t deserve to live, I was a coward, weak, and stupid and I knew. One rushing thought of my kids and I just stopped everything. Why did I deserve that day to stay alive. Maybe I did want to live and I was looking for attention. Nobody knew of my plan so that wasn’t true. Or maybe I just had it with me and all I failed to do and see, that I lost all control and self-worth, and nobody loved me. What a lie it was! I got lucky!

Today I take that broken man, who has a relationship with God and is truer to everyone he is around and I try to change lives. I hurt, grieve, I smile, I love like I never have. I tell me story to those that want to hear it and those that don’t. My story may change lives or a life. If you get a second chance its time to pay up and do whatever you can to help someone in need. I promise they are around you right now. People screaming out in the quiet for a face, a hand, or an encouraging word. Chris you are loved yesterday, today and tomorrow. You are gone but because of you and many others I will press on and hope that I can catch them the moment before and let them see that they are loved and worthy. Sometimes there are no answers but sometimes there are. Walk outside of yourself and live for someone else. You’ll be glad you did.





Should You Divorce? 12 Questions to Consider

26 10 2014

tywood12:

Great article

Originally posted on Lessons From the End of a Marriage:

I’m often thankful that my marriage ended via text. I never had to make the gut-wrenching decision to inform my husband that I wanted out. I’ve never experienced endless days and nights weighing the pros and cons of divorce and anticipating its impact on my life.

Even though I never thought about divorce prior to experiencing it, I have spent the past several years studying and writing about the end of a marriage. For those of you who are in the unenviable position of trying to decide if you should stay or go, here are twelve questions for you to consider.

Are you in or your children in danger?

 

If you are in an abusive situation, your first course of action is to find a safe place for your family. If the marriage is violent and available interventions are not successful, your responsibility is to take care of…

View original 1,711 more words





DAY 635 the marriage spiral that we have to stop

24 10 2014

Its been one busy week. I got to go to 2 concerts of bands that got me through in Green Rover Ordinance and Yellowcard. I also had been men’s group and today we (Rock Bottom Outreach) got to speak at Euless Jr High all day. I love doing it but sometimes you see kids 11-14 go through and it brings a tear to your eye. So much pain but at least we can share our stories and hopefully get someone out of their hell. Tonight I get  to hear the most beautiful little lady sing her first 7th grade choir concert. My daughter and son are amazing if I never mentioned it.

I had a pretty deep conversation the other night about marriage and where it starts and where it goes. This in no means all marriages but now the divorce rate is at 57% (which I’m not sure how that number works) but marriages stats aren’t good.

You find someone who makes your stomach full of butterflies. You want to spend every minute with them, never hang up the phone with them, the next day can’t come soon enough.  You love the smell of her hair, the way when you hold hands it fits perfectly, when she looks at you there is no other place in the world you want to be. You do anything for, you get up early make her coffee, you take care of a project for her, you buy her something only you and her know she likes. Forward: You meet her parents and she meets yours, you act like you not scare but you get that way because she thinks your family is weird and vice versa.  You have your first fight and you react in a way you never have, she says things to you that you have never heard about yourself. Life happens and she runs from and you have to go catch her? You want to change her and she wants to fix you. Your thinking is this what true love is and why are they acting this way. You really like so many things about that person but the things you don’t are really bad. You somehow forget the bad long enough to find a ring and spend a lot of money on something that you’re not sure but you lover her and you know how the process works. You surprise her and her friends think you’re the best. She says yes and now you sit back and are told to just show up to your wedding. In the meantime you start hanging out with your friends that are already married and they tell you how so much is about to change. She hears from her friends and hear this is whats going to happen and you can’t let me do these things. The day finally comes and it is amazing but you almost don’t remember any of it because you were so busy with other people. You look at her and say I have never sen such a beautiful woman and she thinks wow he is so amazingly handsome. It’s the last time you look at each other that way. Even bringing up your wedding photos you can’t remember. You both find out where you want to move get a house, car, decide to have children and then life goes into a different direction. She wants to be a mom more than anything, you want to be a dad but your so scared because you have no idea what to do. You agree and get lucky and now your pregnant. Your ready books and get the house ready and at the same time your drifting apart. Shes thinking how to be the best mom were thinking, how do you pay for all of this, what do I do. You both stopped working on your relationship. You stop dating, and really only talk about being parents.  The baby gets here and its a magical day but your so scared. Your sleep deprived, your afraid and you stop having a relationship with each other. The relationship is just about the kids. One year later at the 1 year old party you both look back put on your fake smile for everyone else and realize I have no idea who I married where did they go. You haven’t dated, you haven’t slept, bills are piling up. The guy starts coming home because (he’s working) He’s actually hiding. She stops feeling loved. You start fighting more and saying things you wouldn’t say to your worst enemy. You go to some vacations and rekindle some love but once back in your environment the relationship drifts apart. You decide to have another child to fix it (The relationship). You wake up with your second child. Your focus now is on kids, work other relationships, hobbies and you stop telling the one you love that I love you. You haven’t touched in months. You start really disliking each other. You finds ways to spend time apart and not together. You try because church or a friend knows your struggling. Your date no is what do you want to ea and time on your phone. You go home thinking I really don’t like him or her. You press on because you should but still don’t put in the effort. Your find starts drifting. Someone at work starts complimenting you. You start wish your husband or wife was like them.  Before you know it your fights are so bad you forget the kids are in the room, your drinking because its normal, and if that person lived or died you wouldn’t care. The word divorce is mentioned in a fight and right then and there life will never be the same. You stretch it out a bit more without ever working on it and now you come in and say I can’t do this anymore. You ask for a divorce they are  happy to give it. The papers are signed, kids are ripped open, you hate someone for the first time and can’t wait to be away from them or see them again. So now your one of the 57% and you decide that the other person was such an asshole that I didn’t do anything wrong in my relationship you go find another person who thinks just like you and the process starts again. Good thing is second marriage failure is 86%. This has to stop and Im only one person but the facts back it. Stop this now please. There is a lot of life left behind and hearts crushed.





DAY 635 the marriage spiral that we have to stop

23 10 2014

Its been one busy week. I got to go to 2 concerts of bands that got me through in Green Rover Ordinance and Yellowcard. I also had been men’s group and today we (Rock Bottom Outreach) got to speak at Euless Jr High all day. I love doing it but sometimes you see kids 11-14 go through and it brings a tear to your eye. So much pain but at least we can share our stories and hopefully get someone out of their hell. Tonight I get  to hear the most beautiful little lady sing her first 7th grade choir concert. My daughter and son are amazing if I never mentioned it.

 

I had a pretty deep conversation the other night about marriage and where it starts and where it goes. This in no means all marriages but now the divorce rate is at 57% (which I’m not sure how that number works) but marriages stats aren’t good.

You find someone who makes your stomach full of butterflies. You want to spend every minute with them, never hang up the phone with them, the next day can’t come soon enough.  You love the smell of her hair, the way when you hold hands it fits perfectly, when she looks at you there is no other place in the world you want to be. You do anything for, you get up early make her coffee, you take care of a project for her, you buy her something only you and her know she likes. Forward: You meet her parents and she meets yours, you act like you not scare but you get that way because she thinks your family is weird and vice versa.  You have your first fight and you react in a way you never have, she says things to you that you have never heard about yourself. Life happens and she runs from and you have to go catch her? You want to change her and she wants to fix you. Your thinking is this what true love is and why are they acting this way. You really like so many things about that person but the things you don’t are really bad. You somehow forget the bad long enough to find a ring and spend a lot of money on something that you’re not sure but you lover her and you know how the process works. You surprise her and her friends think you’re the best. She says yes and now you sit back and are told to just show up to your wedding. In the meantime you start hanging out with your friends that are already married and they tell you how so much is about to change. She hears from her friends and hear this is whats going to happen and you can’t let me do these things. The day finally comes and it is amazing but you almost don’t remember any of it because you were so busy with other people. You look at her and say I have never sen such a beautiful woman and she thinks wow he is so amazingly handsome. It’s the last time you look at each other that way. Even bringing up your wedding photos you can’t remember. You both find out where you want to move get a house, car, decide to have children and then life goes into a different direction. She wants to be a mom more than anything, you want to be a dad but your so scared because you have no idea what to do. You agree and get lucky and now your pregnant. Your ready books and get the house ready and at the same time your drifting apart. Shes thinking how to be the best mom were thinking, how do you pay for all of this, what do I do. You both stopped working on your relationship. You stop dating, and really only talk about being parents.  The baby gets here and its a magical day but your so scared. Your sleep deprived, your afraid and you stop having a relationship with each other. The relationship is just about the kids. One year later at the 1 year old party you both look back put on your fake smile for everyone else and realize I have no idea who I married where did they go. You haven’t dated, you haven’t slept, bills are piling up. The guy starts coming home because (he’s working) He’s actually hiding. She stops feeling loved. You start fighting more and saying things you wouldn’t say to your worst enemy. You go to some vacations and rekindle some love but once back in your environment the relationship drifts apart. You decide to have another child to fix it (The relationship). You wake up with your second child. Your focus now is on kids, work other relationships, hobbies and you stop telling the one you love that I love you. You haven’t touched in months. You start really disliking each other. You finds ways to spend time apart and not together. You try because church or a friend knows your struggling. Your date no is what do you want to ea and time on your phone. You go home thinking I really don’t like him or her. You press on because you should but still don’t put in the effort. Your find starts drifting. Someone at work starts complimenting you. You start wish your husband or wife was like them.  Before you know it your fights are so bad you forget the kids are in the room, your drinking because its normal, and if that person lived or died you wouldn’t care. The word divorce is mentioned in a fight and right then and there life will never be the same. You stretch it out a bit more without ever working on it and now you come in and say I can’t do this anymore. You ask for a divorce they are  happy to give it. The papers are signed, kids are ripped open, you hate someone for the first time and can’t wait to be away from them or see them again. So now your one of the 57% and you decide that the other person was such an asshole that I didn’t do anything wrong in my relationship you go find another person who thinks just like you and the process starts again. Good thing is second marriage failure is 86%. This has to stop and Im only one person but the facts back it. Stop this now please. There is a lot of life left behind and hearts crushed.





Day 631 You should be ashamed of yourself

20 10 2014

My beautiful mom turned 72 years old yesterday. The most important woman God gave me and she is such an amazing person. She sacrificed everything for us for so many years. She gives everything she has to everyone. She is what the movies portray and hallmark writes about.
Everyday mom I love you so much and thank you for being what God created you for. So yeah I’m pretty darn lucky to have her as my mom.

When I write a blog at times I write just because I think someone needs to hear it, I do it just because  or I do it for me so I can go back and read later. This one is for me today. I wrote this on my Facebook account on Thursday. It’s okay to feel shame, hate, anger, embarrassment, for something we have done. It means we still have our convictions and that’s what helps us to not repeat it. We can’t live in those things. I spent the majority of my life beating myself up and many days still do. I try to accept I’m flawed but you have to start telling yourself the good about you. Receive compliments no Matter how foreign they sound to you. GOD forgives us from the moment of our stupidity it’s time we start. We are missing so many glorious moments because we choose to believe things about ourselves that aren’t true. Let’s stop beating up our shadow. ‪#‎realtalk‬. The more I get to speak to groups and just random folks so many of us are so embarrassed and ashamed of our past. When I tell someone who its okay to feel that way the looks on their face is one of being puzzled. Why people can’t understand that WE ALL have done things to be ashamed of. Some of us on a daily basis but no matter what if we still feel convicted then we still have hope. It’s when the conviction of our heart stops that you have a lot to worry about.I could bore you with my list of failures of my past even my past being this morning but we all have them. I still beat the heck out of myself and sometimes I cripple myself with my thoughts on how horrible I am. I then get reminders sometimes suttle and sometimes a smack in the face about how good I am and where I was compared to where I am.

Be ashamed be angry, be fearful but stop living in it. Yes we learn from our past and we sometimes have to remember those things in life to be able to correct or future. You and I are not what we did in our past but if we choose to never leave that behind us we become that. God forgives the moment we decide to be stupid but we live our whole life in our past. If God forgives us don’t you think we should. I promise the days I wake up and decide that I’m okay, I pretty darn special, I’m making a difference. My day is better and my outlook is better. The days that I punch myself in every way I can I lose that day and my outlook sucks. Everyday is not going to be good no matter how great your outlook. Life happens but all that means is that one day was rough don’t stretch that day into a week, month etc..  If you want to learn how to do this start paying other people compliments and words of encouragement. Then when you hear them you start slowly believing in them and accepting them as well. I promise it works if you don’t believe it try it. No matter what you won’t lose.  PS Go Cowboys!





Day 631 You should be ashamed of yourself

19 10 2014

My beautiful mom turned 72 years old yesterday. The most important woman God gave me and she is such an amazing person. She sacrificed everything for us for so many years. She gives everything she has to everyone. She is what the movies portray and hallmark writes about.
Everyday mom I love you so much and thank you for being what God created you for. So yeah I’m pretty darn lucky to have her as my mom.

When I write a blog at times I write just because I think someone needs to hear it, I do it just because  or I do it for me so I can go back and read later. This one is for me today. I wrote this on my Facebook account on Thursday. It’s okay to feel shame, hate, anger, embarrassment, for something we have done. It means we still have our convictions and that’s what helps us to not repeat it. We can’t live in those things. I spent the majority of my life beating myself up and many days still do. I try to accept I’m flawed but you have to start telling yourself the good about you. Receive compliments no Matter how foreign they sound to you. GOD forgives us from the moment of our stupidity it’s time we start. We are missing so many glorious moments because we choose to believe things about ourselves that aren’t true. Let’s stop beating up our shadow. ‪#‎realtalk‬. The more I get to speak to groups and just random folks so many of us are so embarrassed and ashamed of our past. When I tell someone who its okay to feel that way the looks on their face is one of being puzzled. Why people can’t understand that WE ALL have done things to be ashamed of. Some of us on a daily basis but no matter what if we still feel convicted then we still have hope. It’s when the conviction of our heart stops that you have a lot to worry about.I could bore you with my list of failures of my past even my past being this morning but we all have them. I still beat the heck out of myself and sometimes I cripple myself with my thoughts on how horrible I am. I then get reminders sometimes suttle and sometimes a smack in the face about how good I am and where I was compared to where I am.

Be ashamed be angry, be fearful but stop living in it. Yes we learn from our past and we sometimes have to remember those things in life to be able to correct or future. You and I are not what we did in our past but if we choose to never leave that behind us we become that. God forgives the moment we decide to be stupid but we live our whole life in our past. If God forgives us don’t you think we should. I promise the days I wake up and decide that I’m okay, I pretty darn special, I’m making a difference. My day is better and my outlook is better. The days that I punch myself in every way I can I lose that day and my outlook sucks. Everyday is not going to be good no matter how great your outlook. Life happens but all that means is that one day was rough don’t stretch that day into a week, month etc..  If you want to learn how to do this start paying other people compliments and words of encouragement. Then when you hear them you start slowly believing in them and accepting them as well. I promise it works if you don’t believe it try it. No matter what you won’t lose.  PS Go Cowboys!








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